My New Year...

Everyone makes New Year's resolutions. I have decided that, this year, instead of making resolutions of things I am not going to do (that is what every new years resolution is), I am going to make a list of things I have always wanted to do..Some are still within my grasp...others, not so much.

1. Start a bar fight with a guy named Sweaty McGhee. Three reasons...for one, he's named sweaty for a reason...that's not his nickname, that's the name his parents gave him...secondly, He's Irish American...and third...Chicks dig scars, and I will almost certainly walk away with a few...


2. Take Bugs Bunny in for transgender counseling. The poor guy obviously has some issues..


3. Shave with a Bowie knife a la Crocodile Dundee...If you don't know who Crocodile Dundee is, then you are too young to know what shaving is, either...


4. Obtain a world's record with my bodily functions. I figure with farting, there would be a category for decibels, smell, timbre, and of course, for the elite farter...texture


5. Eat at Ruth Chris Steakhouse. I figure that this is the least likely to happen on this list, as I am unable to obtain a mortgage to pay for the meal...


6. Have the entire cast of Jersey Shore fight for their lives in Thunderdome. I would bring Andre the Giant back as a zombie to fight them, and ultimately eat their brains...


7. Compete in a horseshoe competition where the horseshoes are still attached to the horses...


8. Destroy the snorks...


9. Live in New York City, but leave before I get too hard...live in Northern California, but leave before I get too soft...wait, that's a line from the sunscreen song...


10. Arm wrestle a midget...I cannot explain why, I just feel the need to do so...


11. Fight with real light sabres...I think this one speaks for itself...


12. High-five Abraham Lincoln and together come up with a secret handshake...there would be chest bumping involved.


13. Punch Mahmoud Ahmadinejad in the face...


14. Eat my weight in chili...then, refer to number 4...


15. Get a haircut like Samuel L Jackson in Pulp Fiction...


16. Watch what I want on TV...with my wife...

More to come....

Precious Stones

This weekend, we have the honor and privilege of throwing a Christmas Party for families who have members with special needs. We call ourselves Precious Stones. It is an offshoot of our church, Living Stones.
My wife and I have seven kids, several of which have special needs. My two boys both have autism, and my youngest girl has an undiagnosed genetic condition. Also, did you read the first sentence of this paragraph? My wife and I have seven kids. WE ARE INSANE!
Anyway, back to Precious Stones. Special needs is a cause close to our hearts. And ministering to kids, we feel, is important.
I remember when I was a kid. I was taught by my grandfather to believe in God because God is to be feared. He was very fire and brimstone.
But, God is LOVE! And, Christmas is the celebration of that love. Looking at my kids now, I don't know that I could make the same sacrifice as my Father in Heaven. And, I want kids with special needs and their families to come to a Precious Stones event and walk away with one thing. GOD LOVES YOU!!!!!!
If even one kid walks away knowing that, then we have succeeded!

My favorite Christmas Song

The Holiday Post

I love the holiday season. I love Thanksgiving. I love Hanukkah. I love Christmas and New Year's. I even love Festivus!

With that being said, there are some things I don't like.

• Egg nog. I like my eggs hard boiled or fried. Not in a nog, whatever that is.




• Dog poop. You would think that it being the holiday season, the dog would take a break or, at least, eat less fiber. On the contrary, I think my dog is eating Mexican every night.




• Solemn Christmas songs. I think they have their place in the season, however, if a radio station decides on a Christmas song only format, they should be required to play "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer" at least every other hour. I love my grandma, but the thought of her getting run over by a reindeer makes me laugh.




• "Baby it's cold outside". Don't get me wrong, when i first heard the Bing Crosby version, I loved the classical feel. But, listen to the words. He's a guy who doesn't know that no means no. He even goes so far as to try and slip her a mickey in her drink. Geesh!!!




• Keeping Christ in Christmas. I love Jesus. But, for heaven's sake, the people behind this movement are the same people who think holding hands in church is forbidden. Lighten up, it's the holidays for more than just you!




• People who write, or worse, type Xmas. Really? You are so lazy you can't put forth the extra 1 second to write the 5 letters? Christ is an easy word to type. If it wasn't, then why is it in the Bible so much?




• People who rant about stuff they don't like at Christmas time. Yeah, I see the irony.




• Gingerbread Houses. The "cookies" they use to make those could actually be used in the construction of a real house. And the only thing royal about royal icing is that it is a royal pain in the (censored) to work with!




• Toy companies. My kids don't pay attention to commercials one iota until November. Then, they want EVERY toy on EVERY commercial they see! True story: I didn't know until yesterday that there was Dora the Explorer Kitchen set. Which, apparently is the hot toy of the season.




• Smurfs...no particular reason...

With that being said, I do love Christmas, and I love to celebrate the birth of my personal saviour, Jesus Christ! If I don't get to tell you in person, Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, Happy Hanukkah, and may your feats of strength (Festivus) be many!

I'm Thankful...

In the spirit of the season, I would like to submit my list of things for which I am thankful this year.

· First and foremost, I am thankful for the bye week the Indianapolis Colts had this week. This is the first week we did not lose a game, and let’s face it, not winning is much better than losing.
· I am thankful that people dismissed Ben Franklin. I’ll explain. When creating the foundations for this country, many important matters were decided. The most important of these matters was, of course, deciding what the national bird would be. Now, let me explain a few things about Ben Franklin. Number one, he was a genius, but like most geniuses, he had a few quirks, one of them being his dislike of bathing. His belief was that a person would lose brain power through the application of soap and water. But, you can’t walk around filthy and smelling like manure, so Ben Franklin did what every other genius would do: He stripped naked and took an “air bath” on the roof of his home, which was in the middle of town. So, when Ben Franklin decided that the turkey should be the national bird, he was dismissed as legally insane and potently smelly. Thus, the national bird is The Bald Eagle. Why am I thankful for this? You can’t eat the national bird.
· I am thankful for the stupidity of pumpkins. Most pumpkins count themselves as lucky if they survive through Halloween. These are the pumpkins that get canned and made into pumpkin pie. Nobody likes to eat stuff that’s smart.
· I am thankful that we are not having sweet potatoes for Thanksgiving this year. BLECH!!!!
· I am thankful for the Lady Gaga Thanksgiving Day special on ABC this year.
· On a related note, I am thankful for the gift of sarcasm.
· I like the metaphorical doorway to the Christmas Season that is Thanksgiving. After Thanksgiving, we can all say that “Christmas just got real”.
· I am thankful that I am fat. That way, I can overeat on Thanksgiving, like I do every other day of the week.
· I am thankful for my wife. I love her, and I am almost certain she loves me.
· I am thankful for my seven kids. Thanks to you, I have to go to work, rather than staying home and watching cable, and who wants that?

· I am thankful for my church, Living Stones in South Bend. I have been to other churches, and all of them agree, I am insane. The voices and I thank you all.

· I am thankful to God. No jokes here, I am eternally in my Creator’s debt.

Happy Thanksgiving to you all!

*Warning...the following is a satire (cue halloween music)

Human beings are monsters. We are horrible, ravenous creatures who love to showcase our thirst for gore.

From the Roman coliseum to the UFC, we love violence. But more than our love of violence, We love to showcase our acts of depravity.

Case in point: Halloween.

If aliens ever visited the Earth, and the aliens happened to be, oh I don't know, pumpkin-heads, let's just pray they don't visit in October! Why?

First, we march out to the pumpkins homes, the pumpkin patch, and cut them from their life line, laughing and encouraging our children in this act of insanity! On occasion, we go to the local big box store where they sell pumpkin corpses and other dead plant life at wholesale prices.

Then, we take the defenseless orange gourds back to our homes where we display their lifeless bodies for all to see.

Pretty horrible, right? Surely, displaying your kill for the world to see would be enough. But NO! We keep it real!

We take them inside, where we laugh and tell our children to draw faces on them.

The poor apples, dead and floating in a tub of water and their own juice, can only watch in horror as they are drawn from the bucket by the mouths of those who would eat them.

After we have mocked the defenseless pumpkins by drawing faces on their carcasses, the real s#!t begins!

We stab them and cut a hole in the top of their heads. Then, we slowly scoop and rip out their guts, separating the seeds and the pulp. Then, we carve their faces, sometimes with an evil veneer, and sometimes a cute kitty cat. Either way, these pumpkins have lost their dignity.

Now, I know what you are saying. Surely, the macabre sideshow is over. No my friend.

Now, we set the pumpkins carved and empty body out on our porches for the world to see, as if to say,"LOOK AT MY KILL".

Finally, we light their heads on fire and allow them to rot, slowly until November 1, when we smash them and discard their noble remains into a trash bin.

I only hope the aliens are turkeys, because then...oh..wait...never mind.

Dear Reader,

Dear Wal-Mart,
I understand that times are tough. But, why the heck didn't you sell popcorn balls this year?
Love,
Ed

Dear Indianapolis Colts,
Curtis Painter is not a very good quarterback. I wasn't sure if you had noticed yet.
Angrily,
Ed

Dear Cubs,
I was only kidding when I said your team slogan should be "there's always next year"
Saddened,
Ed


Dear Gasoline Companies,
Your prices have more highs and lows than there are bisexual Nazi midgets on Jerry Springer.
What the heck?
Love,
Ed

Dear Golden delicious Apples,
No complaints here...You live up to your name!
Love,
Ed

Dear Grannie Smith Apples,
BLECH!!!!
With sour faced regards,
Ed

Dear Little Ceasers,
Give the guy holding your sign a raise...or at least a free pizza.
I am entertained,
Ed

Dear Panhandlers of the world,
Take some pride in your work, like the Little Ceasers signers.
I have no change,
Ed

Dear Oldies 94.3,
Thank you for NOT playing songs from the sixties and seventies that were horrible in their own time, much less today.
Rocking Out,
Ed

Dear 103.9 The Bear,
Your commercials and station identification spots are the only way I can tell you've changed songs...everything sounds the same.
Regards,
Ed

Dear White Castle,
Just put a freaking restaurant in my area already! I am craving some sliders!
Cravingly,
Ed

Dear Burger King,
I like the cokes...I like the fries...Can you work on the whopper?
Sincerely,
Ed

Dear Lindor chocolates,
Do you really employ a chocolate chef whose only job is to pull a whisk out of a bowl of melted chocolate? And why does he look like he's getting ready to propose...to the chocolate?
Sincerely Confused,
Ed

Dear Occupy Wall Street,
How exactly are you showering? Or have you stopped showering because, after all, deodorant is made by a corporation?
Smell you Later,
Ed

Dear Coca cola,
You are delicious
That is all
Ed

Dear Dr Pepper 10,
Finally, I am not stuck drinking my wife's lady drinks. THANKS!!!
Manly Regards,
Ed

Dear Pepsi,
Please stop trying,
Ed

Dear Living Stones Church,
You are AMAZING! Never forget that!
Love,
Ed

Dear Jesus,
Thank you...I have no words for your gift, except thank You.
Humbly and with love,
Ed

Dear Granger Community Church,
We happen to like fart jokes.
Love,
Living Stones Church

Thirty six is the new thirty five

So, I turn 36 years old this Friday. 36. It's amazing and a little cathartic. Basically because, in my family, 36 is pretty much the halfway point. However, you cannot turn thirty six years old, and not learn a thing or two. In that vein, here are a few lessons I have learned over the years.
--farts are funny...enough said
--kids will add more to your life than you will ever lose...with the exception of hair.
--I was born a dork, but my wife chose to marry me...
--in reference to the above statement, my wife has poor taste in men. She digs Christopher Walken...yes, the headless horseman in Sleepy Hollow.
--Jesus liked fart jokes...not a fact, just a theory of mine. (you try eating all that matzo and not be gassy!)
--Dr Pepper 10 is amazing
--My wife is always right...somehow...(I'm not sure if this is actually true, but my wife tells me it is, and I know better than to argue with her.)
--Friends are priceless...mainly because I cannot afford to buy any.

What lessons did you learn this year?

When the cat's away...

This weekend, I had the opportunity to display my skills and patience as a father. My wife, out of town for a conference, was gone from Friday night till Sunday night. I learned a few things this weekend which, for the benefit of all Man-kind, I will now share.
--Making Chicken noodle soup, from scratch, is indeed manly, provided you are doing it for your kids. Doing it alone jeopardizes your man card privileges.
--Dad will ALWAYS win a farting contest.
--Hearing the word "DAD" a thousand times is music to the ears, provided that your definition of music is a jackhammer on your spine.
--Orange pop is just as good as orange juice in the morning. (don't tell my wife)
--Arm pit farts provide hours of quality entertainment as well as a good educational base for the aspiring artist.
--My dog poops...a lot
--There is no limit to the celebration when your son pees in the toilet voluntarily.
--Having my wife gone for the weekend led me to make a brilliant observation...did you know most football games last longer than a half hour?
--You don't have to talk about your feelings. You can just grunt and your kids will understand you.
--You have to force the boy to wear underwear. I did not realize that this was such a struggle.
--No matter how many game tickets you buy at the fun fair, the kids will make a beeline straight to the FREE jungle gym.
--Feet should NOT smell like corn chips.
--Dogs love peanut butter.
--4 guys + beer + board games = video proof why I will never become president.

A good time was had by all!

Men for Dummies

Why do men enjoy farting? What's the "no talking" rule? Why don't men ask for directions? Why don't men discuss their feelings?? These are questions that have been around since man first stood up straight, passed gas, and walked, upright, into history. So now, I shall attempt to answer what historians and scholars agree are useless questions...be prepared to vomit, what you read her may upset you.
--Farting--Ladies, I can assure you that, if you and your boyfriend/husband read this blog together, he just laughed at the sight of the word "farting". I am giggling like a school girl right now, and I typed it. Men enjoy farting. In fact, there is a good chance that a man reading this is thinking about one of two things...
A.) He is thinking about an epic fart he was either responsible for or witnessed. who smelt it and who dealt it. The timbre and pitch. The smell (SBD versus the boomer).
B.) He is thinking,"could I fart right now?" (the answer is always yes). Farting is to men what freedom is to America. Enough said.
--The no talking rule. Now, there are some variations...The general gist is this...If a man is using the bathroom, do not talk to him. The only exception is if it is an emergency, i.e fire, tornado, sale on pork rinds. But NEVER make eye contact. This is especially true if the man is dropping a deuce (technical term). BTW, little known fact: The duel between Hamilton and Burr was not about an insult, but rather, Hamilton would not shot up while Burr was on the pot.
--Men never ask for directions. Now, this is not true. Men ask for directions all the time...from other men. Women are very visual when it comes to directions. And, more often than not, when receiving instructions from a gal, I will hear this line. "If you see a _____, then you've gone too far." Why not tell me what I will see when it's time to turn? Or, better yet, how about the name of the road?
Also, men like maps. I don't know a single guy without an atlas. It may be the encyclopedia Britannica, but damn it, there's a map of something in there.
--Finally...feelings. Contrary to popular belief, men have feelings. They are tired, hunger, thirst, and thank God football didn't get cancelled. We do talk about these feelings quite a bit.
"How are you, Frank?" "Hungry"
"What are you doing tonite, Larry?" "Watching the game...thank God football didn't get cancelled"
Well, I hope this answers some of your questions. Feel free to post more questions in the comments section, and I will try my best to answer them.
Don't you look at me!!!

and 5, 6, 7, 8!

I submit the following statement for your approval. Most of the worlds problems can be solved through the use of Jazz Hands. Think about it..."Mr. President, the Middle East is on the verge of a complete and total meltdown. What do we do?!"

*Jazz hands*

What do you mean I'm fired?"

*Jazz hands*

"You ran out of gas...AGAIN?"

*apologetic jazz hands*

So remember, then next time you get into a fight with a co-worker, or you just feel down in the dumps...*jazz hands*

--Disclaimer...the use of jazz hands by a double arm amputee or the owner of the worlds longest fingernails is highly discouraged.

BRAAAAIIINNNSSSS....

I recently was involved in a facebook discussion about zombies. Here are some interesting facts about zombies you may not know!
1.) Zombies love to eat brains. Sure they'll eat an arm or a leg, but for zombies, brains is a delicacy.
2.) Zombies vote republican. This fact cannot be explained as most zombies just grunt when asked poll questions.
3.) There is no purer love than zombie love.
4.) Vampires are zombie wannabes.
5.) Zombies have as much reverence for Michael Jackson's "Thriller" video as we do for "Schindler's List".
6.) If a zombie asks you to pull its finger, DON'T DO IT!
7.) Zombie's favorite ice cream? "Cherry Garcia"
8.) Rob Zombie is not actually a zombie...there is ongoing litigation on this matter...
9.) Chuck Norris would be the greatest zombie ever, except Chuck Norris is invincible
10.) Zombies love romantic walks.

Do you have any more zombie facts?

Thank you, William Wells

I try to be funny on my blog. I like to entertain and amuse people, and nothing pleases me more than laughter. But, now I have to get a little serious and possible introspective. Mainly because I have had some thoughts that I needed to get out in order to move on. So, at the risk of turning you off, here it goes:





Yesterday, we attended the funeral of my wife's cousin, William Wells. He died in a highly publicized motorcycle wreck a little more than a week ago. We were both shocked when we heard the news, but other than the initial surprise, there was not a lot more emotion than that. I liked him, but I hadn't seen him in over a decade. Melissa didn't seem to be too shook up either.


Funerals are weird things, though. They play tricks on your mind. No matter how many times I see the deceased up front in their coffin, I can swear I saw them breathe. My wife was not immune to the mind tricks, either. Because William, or Will, was only 32 years old and a single dad to 2 kids. As we sat through the service, it was brought up time and time again how he always had a smile on his face. He had worked with a lot of kids through various sports programs. He was the kind of guy that would give yo the shirt off of his back. From the various decorations and remembrances we saw, he was also a fan of Crown Royal. (Not joking, but it is OK to laugh)


Also, he and my wife were apparently close when they were kids, a fact my wife had forgotten till then. His father, a large man named Roc, was reduced to nothing more than tears and heartbreak. His mother was very strong through it all, but mainly because she had to be. My wife was OK until she went to see Roc. There is something very humbling about hugging a 350 pound man who just scoops you up into his arms and sobs. I was then that the reality of the situation hit us, my wife especially.

We sat down, with tears in our eyes, and reflected on the moment. Partway through the service, the entire congregation of mourners stood up and gave this young man a standing ovation, complete with whistles and shouts. This man was loved, admired, and respected. As a human, one can't help but wonder, am I living my life in a manner that would cause the mourners at my funeral to clap? And I don't mean because I died, but because of the way I had lived.

I guess what this all comes down to is our paradigm shift. Because of events and circumstances in our life, we have lived a life of fear and, truthfully, regret. There are so many things we have NOT done in our life that we later regretted.

I am here to say, NO MORE! Melissa and I have vowed to live a life FREE of fear and regret. So, from the bottom of my heart, thank you William Wells. You taught me a very valuable lesson I will never forget.

Don't say I didn't warn you

No, I can't hear you now...

Recently, I switched cell phone providers. Up to this point, I was a prepaid cell phone kind of guy. But, since my company was paying for it, I made the switch. I never knew what a dropped call was until I switched. To say the least, I was disappointed. This got me thinking...there have been many things over the years that have not lived up to the hype. Here, now, is my short list:

1. Clear Pepsi. First off, why are you drinking Pepsi? Where are you in your life that you feel you have to lower yourself to Pepsi? Apparently the good folks at Pepsi agreed with me, and back in the nineties, they introduced clear Pepsi. My theory is that someone in the management suggested there be more transparency @ Pepsi...they were wrong

2. The Pinto. Let's forget about the gas tanks that blow up. Let's forget about the ugly body. Let's forget about the lack of a decent engine....why can't we forget the pinto?

3. Grunge. Now, let me preface this by saying, I like grunge music. But as far as fashion is concerned, the only worse thing than grunge was church bell-bottom jeans. I remember my cousin buying a fifty dollar pair of jeans (in the early nineties, fifty for a pair of jeans was insane, so i thought). She then proceeded to take them home and cut the legs up and down, fraying the cuts as she went. Couple the fashion with Petroli oil...yeah, I'll keep my Member's only jacket.

4. Member's only jackets. How can you put the phrase "Member's Only" on a piece of clothing if ANYONE can buy them? It seems a little fishy...

5. Y2K. Fun fact: The world did not end in the year 2000...or 2001...or 2011 When the Bible talks about the end of the world, I think they meant when Kim Kardashian came out with an album.

6. Teletubbies. No comment on this...I can't bear to give them any more attention than they have already received...BTW, the purple one is not gay, he's transgender

7. Waterworld. This movie made news at the time it was released because it cost over 200 million dollars to make. After its release, the production companies realized they spent $199,999,998 too much on it. At least with "Attack of the Killer Tomatoes", you knew it was going to be an awful movie...(fun fact: one of George Clooney's first roles was in the Killer Tomato franchise)

8. Music less than 10 years old. You have a problem when you listen to a song and wish you were listening to N'Sync instead. Especially since, at the time, I would have preferred to get a tattoo on my taint then listen to N'Sync.

9. Ghetto Jeans. You know, wearing your jeans down below your butt cheeks so you can show the world you are wearing clean (hopefully, but not always) underwear. Seriously, this fashion trend started to honor and ultimately glamorize prison life, because in Prison, you can't have belts and your pants always fall down. For real. Sadly, no joke here.

10. Shoes. Now, I am all for shoes. But when I was in high school, the bragging point about your shoes was how much you spent on them. If you spent less than a hundred dollars, you might as well go barefoot. I have not spent a hundred dollars on shoes this year, much less than on a single pair. For a hundred dollars, they at least need to have a video game in them.


What are some things that did not live up to the hype for you?

Dear Cable...

I really miss cable. We have not been able to get cable and will not until the first. That whole money thing...
This got me thinking: there are a lot of things I miss...and of course, things I don't. Here are some:

1. MISS: The first time I held my first daughter, Lena. She was tiny and had a cone shaped head.

1. DON'T MISS: Her first explosive diarrhea...Every baby has this. It's like a poop landmine that goes off in their diaper, effectively covering everything they touch in poo. As much as I DON'T miss this, she seemed to feel better at the time. Go figure

2. MISS: Summer Vacations when I was a kid. I would go outside @ 10 am and wouldn't return until that night. I was having adventures and bike riding. I was going to the library and just getting into all kinds of mischief...

2. DON'T MISS: Getting spanked because I left at 10am and didn't return till that night. That sucked.

3. MISS: The nineties. I liked the nineties. They were my decade. musically, they were excellent...Also, I went to college in the nineties. I met my wife and started a family in the nineties. The nineties!!!!!!

3. DON'T MISS: The Backstreet Boys. This "band" (note the quotes) started in Orlando in 1993. And for that reason alone, I hate the nineties.

4. MISS: Not working. I don't mean as an adult, but as a kid. I miss not having to work. Sure, I did work, and I made some money, and that was nice, but I miss not HAVING to work.

4. DON'T MISS: being broke because I didn't work. I know, it's a conundrum. But, Life is a circle...

finally..

5. MISS: Saturday morning cartoons circa 1985 or so...EVERY channel had cartoons. "Rock 'n Wrestling", 'Smurfs", "Snorks" (they were the underwater smurfs). I miss the Saturday before the new fall season of Saturday morning cartoons began...there was always that hour long show previewing the cartoons. I especially miss sitting in my underwear, eating a bowl of cereal, and camping in front of the TV. My wife frowns upon me doing that now...Maybe because I try to recreate my youthful Saturdays by wearing spiderman underwear...(It's not the same pair!!!!)

5. DON'T MISS: Saturday morning cartoons, circa NOW! Does every cartoon have to be about a. a card game, b. bad japanimation, and c. NOTHING?! Really! I have never wanted to shoot myself so much as when I watched Yu-Gi-OH! Or, even worse, DragonBall Z..or as my wife refers to it, Dragonballs. ( I still laugh at that) They are so bad, it doesn't even count as quality time with the family!

What do you miss? What don't you miss?

I smell pigskin

Top Ten signs you’re ready for football

10.) In the off season, you got every NFL teams’ logo tattooed on your back;
9.) You started tailgating…in March
8.) You set up stop motion cameras all around your house…just in case you needed to review a play, i.e. who took out the trash last.
7.) When your wife asked you to pass the milk, you threw it at her in a perfect spiral.
6.) When your wife dropped the aforementioned milk, you started arguing with her over how many feet were touching the ground.
5.) Using a magic marker, you permanently dyed your skin to your favorite club color
4.) You punt the trash to the curb every night.
3.) You installed astro turf into your backyard.
2.) You call your bathroom breaks during dinner “halftime”

And the number one sign you are ready for football season.

1.) Your wife called an end to the “lockout” in the bedroom.

Justin Bieber is a Loser

Now, I know that I may be sued for libel, but let me just start out by saying, this is ONLY my opinion. I do not know what kind of person Justin Bieber is.
He may be the greatest person ever. He might be one of those people that wins at everything. His eyes twinkle, his dimples, how merry. Everything he touches just might turn into gold.
Conversely, he might also be a big, fat jerk. He probably tips the waitress with his phone number, fake of course. He spits in peoples drinks before he hands it to them. He constantly leaves the toilet seat up. All of this is theoretical. I have no idea.
So, what's the point you might ask? He's too pretty! He needs a scar. Maybe an eye patch. He needs a face tattoo, or maybe a lip piercing.
He needs to get arrested for public urination. He needs to turn in his library books a minimum of 2 days late.
Come on, pretty boy...man up.

The Man Club

When you are a father to 5 girls and a husband, there are certain concessions you have to make. You know that you are going to have to sit through a ballet. you know that, at least once a year, you have to watch Steel Magnolias. And, you know, you have to pocket your Man Club Card.
Now, there is no physical card. Your membership is displayed every time you watch a football game or MMA match. You show your club spirit every time you have gas and brag about it. And, everyone knows you are a member when you have a hard-boiled egg eating contest.
That being said, marriage and fatherhood force those of us in the Man Club to be more secretive about it. In fact, there are some circles, mainly those consisting of happily married couples, where having gas is NOT something to brag about. Seriously.
I knew I was in trouble of hiding my Man Card the first time I painted my daughters toenails. Somewhere, Conan the Barbarian was laughing at me. Yes, living with women effectively makes you ashamed to be a man.
Don’t believe me? All you husbands out there, let me ask you this. When was the last time you used a shower gel with pomegranate or peaches? When was the last time you smelled like a fruit basket after you showered? Think about how many times you have to use a lady’s razor to shave. OK, I have to admit, my face felt PHENOMENAL after shaving with my wife’s ultra fancy lady hair removal tool. And, no, it’s not a razor, it’s a hair removal tool. *sigh*
Today, when I showered, I was reminded of my place in a female dominated household. It wasn’t until I stepped into the shower that I realized I was going to smell like a girl. I grabbed my shower tool (for you ladies, a shower poof…we have fancy terms, too.) and lathered that bad boy up with cherry pomegranate shower gel. Instantly, I became hungry. I realized almost immediately what a paradox there is between a card carrying member of the Man club and our wives. While both men and women like to use food scented things in our lives, the scents we use are different. Candles, shower gel, carpet sprinkles (carpet deodorizer…I know I said it, don’t judge me). All of these things can typically be scented like food, but by women. In a women's world, everything is flowers and fruit, cookies and creme.
If men’s stuff smelled like food, it wouldn’t be fruity or dessert themed. We would have bacon scented shower gel. BBQ carpet powder. Rib eye cologne. Buffalo chicken shoe inserts. Yes, all of our things would be meat themed.
Now, before I get the nasty PETA comments, let me say this. If you are a vegetarian, 1st…check yourself. Animals are delicious. 2nd…Use the ladies stuff, as it is all fruit themed. If you are some sort of weirdo who believes in plants rights...yeah, i don't know what to do for you.
So, in summation, let me just say that, although, men and women are, at the most basic level, different, we still have to live with each other. And, I love my girls, so I will gladly pocket my Man club card...just let me watch GSP first. (Only the Men get that...)

Unfinished?! What the *bleep*

I would just like to clarify, first and foremost, that I have never been a part of the United states armed Forces. Not now, not ever. I have the utmost respect for our servicemen and women across the globe. However, I enjoy food entirely too much to be in any kind of physical shape to serve in the armed forces.
That being said, I must make a public confession. I cuss like a sailor. I don't even know how much a sailor cusses or what kind of words a sailor uses. And, what if it's a deaf sailor? To my knowledge, there is only one cuss word in sign language, and it's universal.
I don't mean to cuss so much. I have tried like a son of a b...sorry, there I go again. I have tried really hard not to swear. I believe the longest I have gone is a week.
That's not to say I didn't use replacement swears.
"son of a gun!"
"What the F?!"
"Aw, vegetarian chili!"
What is it about human beings that we require the use of expletives in our daily lives?
I think it comes down to cavemen. There is only so much communication to be achieved by various grunts and snorts. After a while, you start sounding like a dumbed down version of the smurfs.
"What the smurf is going on here?!"
"Who smurf do you smurf you are?"
"Smurf my smurf, you smurfin smurf"
I think that what probably happened sounds an awful lot like this...
Caveman # 1...We'll call him Frank: *grunt grunt**snort*pft!* ( the pft represents frank having gas.)
Caveman # 2, we'll call her Ellen: *primal scream* --she pinches her nose *grunt grunt**scream* "that S#!T stinks!!!!

Or not....

Blogging...

I recently had a talk with my pastor and the subject of blogging came up. He hadn't blogged in a while and, truthfully, we were a little worried...mainly because when he takes a break, he has something going on in his life...when he took a break, we just wanted to make sure everything was OK...
His response? I just don't have anything to blog about.
I totally get this! I write skits for church...I am usually done writing a skit inside of 10 minutes...obviously there is some editing to be done, but the general outline is there.
Yet, when I sign on to this blog, I sometimes struggle to even type out a title!
The guys will side with me on this...blogging is a lot like peeing. For the most part, we don't think about it. We have to go pee, we go pee. But, If someone tells up to pee, now that's a little harder to do, if not impossible.
contrary to popular belief, peeing is not a performance art, but a hobby one practices alone.
OK, there...I've said it.

really?!

A few things have got me thinking...

Don't you think that, by now, Anthony Weiner could and would have, by now, changed at least the pronunciation of his last name? What about Winay...Weinare,,,VINER for Pete's sake?!

I am getting into baseball lately. However, I am a Cubs fan...this fact alone makes me a sado masochist...IT really hurts to watch a Cubs game, but I cannot...stop...watching...

Donuts...never in the history of mankind has something so good actually been so evil...So we are clear...I love donuts.

I would rather drink my own urine than drink another diet pop. especially if I drink the urine I make after drinking a coke.

The machines are slowly but surely taking over...keep an eye on that cell phone!!! I think my non electric can opener has been warning me all this time...

The nineties (1990's) really were the best time for music...and looking like a slob...

Father's day is just around the corner...I wonder why so many fathers celebrate by doing more chores, i.e. fixing stuff...

Nobody uses the word amazing enough anymore...maybe we are too jaded as a society...or illiterate...

More to come...

Random thoughts

At the time and date of this typing, it is extremely hot. 94 degrees, with a heat index nearing triple digits. With this kind of heat, I find myself daydreaming...or hallucinating. Either or, here we go...

Whenever I hear one of my kids say, "watch this" to each other, I immediately get the band aids.

In a recent poll, 9 out of 10 people said they would be too busy to take a poll. The tenth person is the guy who keeps asking me for change at the gas station...which leads me to ask, if you need the change for gas, where is your car?

Farts are funny...sharts...not so much.

Why would someone purposely name their boat, Titanic II? And does anyone find it surprising that it has already sank?

I didn't think the show "The Smurfs" was good enough to justify a live action/animated movie. Of course, I couldn't wait to see "Wonderdog" either.

I love using new terminology...the latest I heard was "crystal donk". Ask my wife...I'm not ashamed.

This just in...sharts are funny when they happen to someone else...at a distance.

More to come....

reaching and settling

In life, we constantly try to improve ourselves, our lives, our houses. We upgrade, modify, or all together change things to make our lives better.

In that vein, let me tell you the theory of reaching and settling. A popular TV show once said that in every relationship, one person is the reacher, or the one trying to upgrade, and the other is the settler, or the one who definitely lowered their standards.

In my marriage, I am definitely the reacher. Here are my reasons:

1.) Melissa gave birth to 7 kids, six of them naturally. She has survived Gangrene, MRSA, a pinched nerve, and my unnaturally funny jokes. And, despite all this torture which, let's face it, is originally my fault...she still loves me.

2.) Melissa's father hated me at first. Now, every daughter is her father's little girl, and despite this, she still loved me and knew from the get go we were to be married.

3.) She hates pizza. OK...let's face it...that last one is a deal breaker. I should kick her out of my house right now. And despite my unholy love for pizza, she puts up with it.

4.) She is the most beautiful woman in the world to me. I look like shi tzu...a bald shi tzu...

So, there you go. Melissa is definitely the settler. I am the reacher. But, that's OK. I will still stay married to her, despite her obvious lack of taste in men. Besides, tonight's pizza night!

Anywhere he was going, he was running...

Have you heard that line before? If you have, than you have seen "Forrest Gump". It's a movie about a simple man whose life is full of extraordinary events. One of the pivotal spots in the movie, starring Tom Hanks, is when Forrest's girlfriend leaves him. He is so upset, he just decides to run, and in doing so, runs back and forth across the country, coast to coast, 3 times. And at the pinnacle of this event, when hundreds of people are following after him on his run, he just suddenly decides to stop and go home.
Why do I bring this up? I have recently began to run. OK, I lied. I am walking/running. I have started a new program called "couch to 5K". It is a running guideline for people who have pretty much lived a sedentary lifestyle and want to run a 5K.
It starts out walking and running, and over the course of 9+ weeks, you will end up being able to run 5K. And, for the record, I have eaten a few too many Twinkies in my life.
I started this program this past Wednesday with my daughter. I believe the last words of wisdom I imparted to my daughter at the end of the run was "tell my wife I love her". Yes, I am pretty sure I was at death's door. In fact, I was so out of breath, I was not only at death's door, but I was invited in for dinner. Luckily, I wasn't hungry, because anybody who is anybody will tell you, death makes a mean meatloaf...it's to die for.
However, since then, I have run twice more, and will go out again tonite. So if you see me, I will be running...or walking...or having hor-d'ouvres with a hooded fellow.

New Religion

I have decided to start a new religion that celebrates obscure holidays. For instance, today is National Napping Day. Happy Holidayzzzzzz!!!

Nobody tells you...

There are three rules every father must live by.

1. Keep my baby off the pole...this rule, instituted by Chris Rock, has and will hold true through the ages.
2. Mom is the smartest person in the whole world. She is ALWAYS right.
3. Never own a gun, or you will shoot the first boy who comes calling for your oldest daughter.

Now, don't misunderstand me. I want my daughter to get married and have babies. When she's in her forties. Right now, she is 14. I knew this day was coming. And maybe I am making too big a deal out of it.

But her boyfriend is going to, at the very minimum, have to be psychologically tortured. In fact, I never approved of water boarding, but we cannot let the terrorists win. And I am terrified.

Mr. Dad

I love being a father. I love my 7 kids. I love the 5 girls and 2 boys that share my genetic material with my wife.
I love playing games with them. I love doing the cha cha slide in the living room (every body clap your hands).
I love to watch them eat food I cooked for them. Sometimes, they don't even gag.
I love tickling little bellies and feet. I love giving the teenager a hug when she's had a bad day. I love spraying bullet proof spray on myself when the autistic 9 year old "shoots" me. I love the hugs the 6 year old can't get enough of.
I love the ladies (our nicknames for the 3 and 4 year olds). I love my 12 year old's insanity. I love the middle child's middleness and her quest to be first.
I love my wife...sometimes, I think, the best way to love your children is to love their mother.
However, there are some dislikes...
I dislike poopie diapers. And my wife is wrong, there is never a time when the poop is "cute".
I dislike sleepless nights, especially when one of the kids is sick, and all you want to do is to take their sickness upon yourself so that they can be well.
I dislike the stares...not because we have 2 autistic sons, but because we have 7 kids...this is especially prevalent in small towns.(they think we are Amish...if they saw our TV, they would know better)
But, most of all, I dislike being apart from them. My kids are, without a doubt, the seven most interesting, funny, honest, and insane people I know. How insane?
Sometime, ask Alison, "where is my super suit?"
sometime, ask Lena to tell you a joke.
Sometime, ask Edwin to show you the Mighty beanz on You tube.
sometime, ask Olivia to clean her room.
Sometime, ask Emily about her booty.
Sometime, ask Melody about Dora.
Sometime, ask Tobey to say "Icee Pop".

Man, I love my kids.