In the spirit of the season, I would like to submit my list of things for which I am thankful this year.
· First and foremost, I am thankful for the bye week the Indianapolis Colts had this week. This is the first week we did not lose a game, and let’s face it, not winning is much better than losing.
· I am thankful that people dismissed Ben Franklin. I’ll explain. When creating the foundations for this country, many important matters were decided. The most important of these matters was, of course, deciding what the national bird would be. Now, let me explain a few things about Ben Franklin. Number one, he was a genius, but like most geniuses, he had a few quirks, one of them being his dislike of bathing. His belief was that a person would lose brain power through the application of soap and water. But, you can’t walk around filthy and smelling like manure, so Ben Franklin did what every other genius would do: He stripped naked and took an “air bath” on the roof of his home, which was in the middle of town. So, when Ben Franklin decided that the turkey should be the national bird, he was dismissed as legally insane and potently smelly. Thus, the national bird is The Bald Eagle. Why am I thankful for this? You can’t eat the national bird.
· I am thankful for the stupidity of pumpkins. Most pumpkins count themselves as lucky if they survive through Halloween. These are the pumpkins that get canned and made into pumpkin pie. Nobody likes to eat stuff that’s smart.
· I am thankful that we are not having sweet potatoes for Thanksgiving this year. BLECH!!!!
· I am thankful for the Lady Gaga Thanksgiving Day special on ABC this year.
· On a related note, I am thankful for the gift of sarcasm.
· I like the metaphorical doorway to the Christmas Season that is Thanksgiving. After Thanksgiving, we can all say that “Christmas just got real”.
· I am thankful that I am fat. That way, I can overeat on Thanksgiving, like I do every other day of the week.
· I am thankful for my wife. I love her, and I am almost certain she loves me.
· I am thankful for my seven kids. Thanks to you, I have to go to work, rather than staying home and watching cable, and who wants that?
· First and foremost, I am thankful for the bye week the Indianapolis Colts had this week. This is the first week we did not lose a game, and let’s face it, not winning is much better than losing.
· I am thankful that people dismissed Ben Franklin. I’ll explain. When creating the foundations for this country, many important matters were decided. The most important of these matters was, of course, deciding what the national bird would be. Now, let me explain a few things about Ben Franklin. Number one, he was a genius, but like most geniuses, he had a few quirks, one of them being his dislike of bathing. His belief was that a person would lose brain power through the application of soap and water. But, you can’t walk around filthy and smelling like manure, so Ben Franklin did what every other genius would do: He stripped naked and took an “air bath” on the roof of his home, which was in the middle of town. So, when Ben Franklin decided that the turkey should be the national bird, he was dismissed as legally insane and potently smelly. Thus, the national bird is The Bald Eagle. Why am I thankful for this? You can’t eat the national bird.
· I am thankful for the stupidity of pumpkins. Most pumpkins count themselves as lucky if they survive through Halloween. These are the pumpkins that get canned and made into pumpkin pie. Nobody likes to eat stuff that’s smart.
· I am thankful that we are not having sweet potatoes for Thanksgiving this year. BLECH!!!!
· I am thankful for the Lady Gaga Thanksgiving Day special on ABC this year.
· On a related note, I am thankful for the gift of sarcasm.
· I like the metaphorical doorway to the Christmas Season that is Thanksgiving. After Thanksgiving, we can all say that “Christmas just got real”.
· I am thankful that I am fat. That way, I can overeat on Thanksgiving, like I do every other day of the week.
· I am thankful for my wife. I love her, and I am almost certain she loves me.
· I am thankful for my seven kids. Thanks to you, I have to go to work, rather than staying home and watching cable, and who wants that?
· I am thankful for my church, Living Stones in South Bend. I have been to other churches, and all of them agree, I am insane. The voices and I thank you all.
· I am thankful to God. No jokes here, I am eternally in my Creator’s debt.
Happy Thanksgiving to you all!
