Conversations with my Cat

Today at lunch I had teh priviledge to talk to my daughter, Melody. I am not sure what happened, but at some point during the conversation, I realized I was talking to the cat.
Melody, in her genius, was able to translate the complicated hieroglyphs and nuances that are the cat language. For an outsider looking in, this is what the conversation sounded like:
Me: So Melody, are you watching Nora? (name changed to prevent copyright infringement)
Melody: Butterscotch wants to hi
Me: OK
silence
Butterscotch: (doing a perfect imitation of Melody) meow
I had no idea what this cat was trying to say to me. But clearly, Butterscotch had something to say. So, I used the google language translator, and here, now, is the translated conversation:
Me: So Melody, are you watching Nora? (name changed to prevent copyright infringement)
Melody: Butterscotch wants to hi
Me: OK
silence
Butterscotch: (translated) I think Newt Gingrich needs to lay off the Twinkies and Mitt Romney is a handsome man. However, my vote, now and forever, will be for Beverly, the crazy cat lady that lives down the street from us. She will put Americans back to work in the kitty litter factories and force fat cat CEO's to spread the money around. She will restore the worlds opinion of the USA through our international work with UNICAT. And, finally, she will make sure there is a bird on every tree and a fish in every pot in every home in America.
I was blown away. I couldn't believe it! My cat is a socialist! All this time I thought Butterscotch was just an annoying kitten who attacked my feet and lived to cause my older cat, Tiger, to hate youth. I had no idea he was a community organizer.
This is why I hate cats! They don't listen to facts, they just listen to what the "drive-by media" has to say and take it as gospel truth! I think we all know where he gets this crap from...my wife!
All of this fits nicely into the animal conspiracy. You know, the notion that animals are secretly plotting to overtake human kind.
Don't believe me? Let me ask you this...Who cleans up whose poop? I rest my case...

I am not sassy.

My wife likes to play Facebook games. She loved Farmville. She loved the pet shop. Lord knows how many countless games she has and is playing. Currently, she is stuck on Castleville. But, I feel like I am living a lie. I have to confess something, come hell or high water. Here goes: My wife has signed me up for Castleville and plays under my name so she can boost herself.

There I said it! I feel better. I wouldn't have had to expose the ugly truth, but I came across something yesterday that startled me. As I was looking though my new Facebook Timeline feature, I noticed I had updates for Castleville. And one of the updates said,"Congratulations on becoming a sassy serf."

Sassy. It totally said sassy. Let's review why this is bugging me.

First off, I'm a dude. Dudes are not sassy...its man law #54.

Secondly, Serfs existed in medieval times, and they were the lowest of the low. If you have seen "The Holy Grail", the serfs are the people who are farming mud and filth. And I am pretty certain they were not sassy. They were poor, they were filthy and one of them was politically obnoxious. But, they were not sassy

And finally, my wife is causing me to be tagged to the entire world as sassy! Anyone who looks at my Facebook now is going to think that I am relation to the maid from the Jeffersons. Now SHE was sassy!

Now, before you judge my wife, consider this one point. How many of you have Facebook friends that are animals? I am personally friends with 4 cats. Either the felines are the first wave in the animal conspiracy that threatens humanity, or someone is being less than honest about their kitty!

So, please, don't judge me, and don't judge my wife. And, if you get a friend request from Rainbow Meow, accept it! My wife needs as many sassy serfs as she can get!

A confession

Dear Melissa Holstein,

First and foremost, I love you! You are amazing. Knowing you is an honor in itself, but I get to be married to you. I love the way you love all of us (me and the kids). You always put us ahead of yourself.

You haven't had an easy road, especially being married to a poor schmo like me, but you have never let it stop you.

I want you to think of something you can't do. See anything? Nothing comes to my mind, because there is nothing you cannot do.

Thank you for being married to me, for walking this path with me. Thank you for finding the joy in a relationship with Jesus again.

And, thank you for loving me with everything you have and never holding back.

I love you!

Eddie

PS I forgot to take out the trash

Some Helpful Hints and suggestions

Here are some general life rules and observations everyone needs to know...Unfortunately, I had to learn these the hard way:

1. When buying broccoli, this is the desired order...fresh, frozen florets, deep fried. Never buy a bag of frozen broccoli that just says "broccoli"...You wind up getting all of the junk that the floret buying consumers don't have to deal with.


2. No matter how much you work on it, no matter how many hours you spend on it, the castle you are building on "Castleville" will never, ever be up to date on the various building code regulations in your state. That's because it isn't real.


3. Along the same lines, gold coins and poker chips on Facebook are less real than Michael Jackson's nose (too soon?)


4. I think that Lana Del Rey would have gotten more positive press had she auditioned for American Idol. At least they would have asked her to come back at the end of the season. Incidentally, I think Ashlee Simpson can finally breath a sigh of relief.


5. You can always trust a person who talks to themselves. Conversely, never trust a person who is talking to an invisible man named Steve. You just can't trust Steve.


6. Valentine's day is more important to your wife than your anniversary. Also, no matter what you read on Wikipedia, it is not a made up holiday.


7. Country music makes you old.


8. Miller Lite is lying to you. Their beer may be less filling, but nobody drinks beer because it tastes great.


9. There are some really crazy people in Florida...just an observation...Same goes for the northwest.


10. I have a cat named Tiger. Not because he is fierce like a tiger. Not because he strong or agile like a tiger. In fact, I do not know why he is named Tiger. we should probably change his name to something that is more accurate, like hippo, blue whale, or Homer Simpson.

Or is it?

I have a theory. It involves philosophy. I think you can win any philosophical argument simply by saying three words. "Or is it?" Let me give you an example.

Philosopher # 1: Our world, our reality, is not real. We are all just part of someone else's dream.

Me: Or are we?

See what I did there? I turned that argument on its ear. Take that, Descartes! Not convinced? Let's try another!

Philosopher # 2: Virtue denotes a certain perfection of a power.

Me: Or does it?
St Thomas Aquinas, you've been served! Still not convinced?

Philosopher # 3: I think, therefore I am. Or in the Latin, "Cogito ergo sum"

Me: Or are you...or in the Latin...or are ye?

Descartes, you never give up! Get a job, Hippie!

"What do i do with this new found knowledge?" You can figure it out! I trust you!

Or do I?

It Ain't Perfect...

My faith is important to me. It's important because my faith is who I am. I am a Christ-Disciple. Now, am I a picture perfect Christian? No.
Occasionally I swear. Also, I lie about the frequency of events. On top of which, I love french fries...not the crispy good for your soul fries. I love the soft and greasy served in the cafeteria of hell french fries.
Also, I do not read my Bible nearly as much as i should. Sure I try to do my devotionals and I pray almost every day on my way to work, but i could do more.
I should also add that I love naps. And cheesecake. And, God forbid...Coca Cola. So, yeah, I am not a perfect Christian. But, here's what's cool...I haven't met a perfect Christian yet!
In fact, throughout history, there has been only one...and He started the whole thing! In fact, we named the Christian movement after Him! Plus, we capitalize His name and His pronouns every time we type Them.
I'm OK with that. I'm OK with the only perfect Christian being Christ Himself. I strive to be more and more like him every day. I'm just glad he gave me a little wiggle room.

Another list...

My fellow Congregant Tim Boucher has a blog. You can find it here. Today's blog was random stuff. In that vein, I have decided to make my own list of random stuff. Here goes:

• My daughters have the greatest smiles. I love seeing them smile.



• My son, Tobey, has an awesome smile. He can light up a room.



• My other son, Edwin, has two smiles: one for when he's happy, the other is for when he thinks of something evil. guess which one he makes more.



• Just watched a movie called "Paul". It is a GREAT movie, written by the same guys who wrote "Shaun of the Dead" and "Hot Fuzz" Not for Kids! But a great movie anyways!



• Christopher Walken would make a lousy therapist. But, incidentally, he would be an amazing hair stylist.



• I love cheese. No back story or anecdote...I love cheese



• I challenge you not to sing along with Twisted Sister's "I wanna Rock!". Go ahead and try it...I'll wait...Now, what do you want to do with your life?



• And while we're on the subject...How many cans of hairspray do you think they went through just for that video?



• Who invented/discovered escargot and caviar? Better yet, who decided that eating snails and fish eggs was a delicacy? I'll stick with my bacon and peanut butter grilled cheese sandwich, thank you



• What kind of person aspires to be a proctologist?



• If there were dinosaurs roaming around the Earth today, would they drive cars knowing that gas is made from the remains of their relatives?



• remember one thing...Little Ceasar's Pizza advertisements are based on the fact that they are hot and ready...delicious never enters into it.

Miss Olivia Grace

So, my wife blogged about our middle child. Miss Olivia Grace Holstein. You can find that blog here. Miss Olivia is by far, our most sensitive and emotional child. She is also the most faithful to her Christianity.

Her favorite book is the Bible. She loves the stories in it. She loves the fact that these stories are our history as a people.

I remember when I was a kid, I used to dream about what I wanted to be when I grew up. Now, I know who I most want to be like, and it's Miss Olivia.

She believes with her whole self. She loves with her whole heart.

So, Happy Birthday, Olivia Grace!!! You are turning into a beautiful young lady!

I thought the Hula ball was bad...

I saw this on a website recently. This guy was either a genius or a neurologist trying to drum up some new business. Incidentally, look at the :14 second mark. If a kid did that in the park nowadays, someone would have to call 911.

#HASHTAGS

If MacGyver was a writer, the hash tag (#) would have been his tool of choice. Nowhere in the English language does a punctuation mark fill so many uses. For example:

# for an accountant means a number…any number
# for a dieter means pounds
# for clarinet players means means the note is sharp
# for trombone players means it’s time to practice my sharp scales
# for drummers means…well nothing.
## for any musician means “the composer was high”
# For anyone born after 2000 means “I just said something clever, here’s how to find it”
# for anyone born before 1990 is the game board for Tic-Tac-Toe
# Also for those born before 1990, # meant a comic book character had recently been beat up or was Pig Pen from Peanuts

Don’t get me started on periods…