Dear Cable...

I really miss cable. We have not been able to get cable and will not until the first. That whole money thing...
This got me thinking: there are a lot of things I miss...and of course, things I don't. Here are some:

1. MISS: The first time I held my first daughter, Lena. She was tiny and had a cone shaped head.

1. DON'T MISS: Her first explosive diarrhea...Every baby has this. It's like a poop landmine that goes off in their diaper, effectively covering everything they touch in poo. As much as I DON'T miss this, she seemed to feel better at the time. Go figure

2. MISS: Summer Vacations when I was a kid. I would go outside @ 10 am and wouldn't return until that night. I was having adventures and bike riding. I was going to the library and just getting into all kinds of mischief...

2. DON'T MISS: Getting spanked because I left at 10am and didn't return till that night. That sucked.

3. MISS: The nineties. I liked the nineties. They were my decade. musically, they were excellent...Also, I went to college in the nineties. I met my wife and started a family in the nineties. The nineties!!!!!!

3. DON'T MISS: The Backstreet Boys. This "band" (note the quotes) started in Orlando in 1993. And for that reason alone, I hate the nineties.

4. MISS: Not working. I don't mean as an adult, but as a kid. I miss not having to work. Sure, I did work, and I made some money, and that was nice, but I miss not HAVING to work.

4. DON'T MISS: being broke because I didn't work. I know, it's a conundrum. But, Life is a circle...

finally..

5. MISS: Saturday morning cartoons circa 1985 or so...EVERY channel had cartoons. "Rock 'n Wrestling", 'Smurfs", "Snorks" (they were the underwater smurfs). I miss the Saturday before the new fall season of Saturday morning cartoons began...there was always that hour long show previewing the cartoons. I especially miss sitting in my underwear, eating a bowl of cereal, and camping in front of the TV. My wife frowns upon me doing that now...Maybe because I try to recreate my youthful Saturdays by wearing spiderman underwear...(It's not the same pair!!!!)

5. DON'T MISS: Saturday morning cartoons, circa NOW! Does every cartoon have to be about a. a card game, b. bad japanimation, and c. NOTHING?! Really! I have never wanted to shoot myself so much as when I watched Yu-Gi-OH! Or, even worse, DragonBall Z..or as my wife refers to it, Dragonballs. ( I still laugh at that) They are so bad, it doesn't even count as quality time with the family!

What do you miss? What don't you miss?

I smell pigskin

Top Ten signs you’re ready for football

10.) In the off season, you got every NFL teams’ logo tattooed on your back;
9.) You started tailgating…in March
8.) You set up stop motion cameras all around your house…just in case you needed to review a play, i.e. who took out the trash last.
7.) When your wife asked you to pass the milk, you threw it at her in a perfect spiral.
6.) When your wife dropped the aforementioned milk, you started arguing with her over how many feet were touching the ground.
5.) Using a magic marker, you permanently dyed your skin to your favorite club color
4.) You punt the trash to the curb every night.
3.) You installed astro turf into your backyard.
2.) You call your bathroom breaks during dinner “halftime”

And the number one sign you are ready for football season.

1.) Your wife called an end to the “lockout” in the bedroom.

Justin Bieber is a Loser

Now, I know that I may be sued for libel, but let me just start out by saying, this is ONLY my opinion. I do not know what kind of person Justin Bieber is.
He may be the greatest person ever. He might be one of those people that wins at everything. His eyes twinkle, his dimples, how merry. Everything he touches just might turn into gold.
Conversely, he might also be a big, fat jerk. He probably tips the waitress with his phone number, fake of course. He spits in peoples drinks before he hands it to them. He constantly leaves the toilet seat up. All of this is theoretical. I have no idea.
So, what's the point you might ask? He's too pretty! He needs a scar. Maybe an eye patch. He needs a face tattoo, or maybe a lip piercing.
He needs to get arrested for public urination. He needs to turn in his library books a minimum of 2 days late.
Come on, pretty boy...man up.

The Man Club

When you are a father to 5 girls and a husband, there are certain concessions you have to make. You know that you are going to have to sit through a ballet. you know that, at least once a year, you have to watch Steel Magnolias. And, you know, you have to pocket your Man Club Card.
Now, there is no physical card. Your membership is displayed every time you watch a football game or MMA match. You show your club spirit every time you have gas and brag about it. And, everyone knows you are a member when you have a hard-boiled egg eating contest.
That being said, marriage and fatherhood force those of us in the Man Club to be more secretive about it. In fact, there are some circles, mainly those consisting of happily married couples, where having gas is NOT something to brag about. Seriously.
I knew I was in trouble of hiding my Man Card the first time I painted my daughters toenails. Somewhere, Conan the Barbarian was laughing at me. Yes, living with women effectively makes you ashamed to be a man.
Don’t believe me? All you husbands out there, let me ask you this. When was the last time you used a shower gel with pomegranate or peaches? When was the last time you smelled like a fruit basket after you showered? Think about how many times you have to use a lady’s razor to shave. OK, I have to admit, my face felt PHENOMENAL after shaving with my wife’s ultra fancy lady hair removal tool. And, no, it’s not a razor, it’s a hair removal tool. *sigh*
Today, when I showered, I was reminded of my place in a female dominated household. It wasn’t until I stepped into the shower that I realized I was going to smell like a girl. I grabbed my shower tool (for you ladies, a shower poof…we have fancy terms, too.) and lathered that bad boy up with cherry pomegranate shower gel. Instantly, I became hungry. I realized almost immediately what a paradox there is between a card carrying member of the Man club and our wives. While both men and women like to use food scented things in our lives, the scents we use are different. Candles, shower gel, carpet sprinkles (carpet deodorizer…I know I said it, don’t judge me). All of these things can typically be scented like food, but by women. In a women's world, everything is flowers and fruit, cookies and creme.
If men’s stuff smelled like food, it wouldn’t be fruity or dessert themed. We would have bacon scented shower gel. BBQ carpet powder. Rib eye cologne. Buffalo chicken shoe inserts. Yes, all of our things would be meat themed.
Now, before I get the nasty PETA comments, let me say this. If you are a vegetarian, 1st…check yourself. Animals are delicious. 2nd…Use the ladies stuff, as it is all fruit themed. If you are some sort of weirdo who believes in plants rights...yeah, i don't know what to do for you.
So, in summation, let me just say that, although, men and women are, at the most basic level, different, we still have to live with each other. And, I love my girls, so I will gladly pocket my Man club card...just let me watch GSP first. (Only the Men get that...)

Unfinished?! What the *bleep*

I would just like to clarify, first and foremost, that I have never been a part of the United states armed Forces. Not now, not ever. I have the utmost respect for our servicemen and women across the globe. However, I enjoy food entirely too much to be in any kind of physical shape to serve in the armed forces.
That being said, I must make a public confession. I cuss like a sailor. I don't even know how much a sailor cusses or what kind of words a sailor uses. And, what if it's a deaf sailor? To my knowledge, there is only one cuss word in sign language, and it's universal.
I don't mean to cuss so much. I have tried like a son of a b...sorry, there I go again. I have tried really hard not to swear. I believe the longest I have gone is a week.
That's not to say I didn't use replacement swears.
"son of a gun!"
"What the F?!"
"Aw, vegetarian chili!"
What is it about human beings that we require the use of expletives in our daily lives?
I think it comes down to cavemen. There is only so much communication to be achieved by various grunts and snorts. After a while, you start sounding like a dumbed down version of the smurfs.
"What the smurf is going on here?!"
"Who smurf do you smurf you are?"
"Smurf my smurf, you smurfin smurf"
I think that what probably happened sounds an awful lot like this...
Caveman # 1...We'll call him Frank: *grunt grunt**snort*pft!* ( the pft represents frank having gas.)
Caveman # 2, we'll call her Ellen: *primal scream* --she pinches her nose *grunt grunt**scream* "that S#!T stinks!!!!

Or not....