Tradition

I recently read a story online about the Boston Red Sox' new stadium, The JetBlue Park, sponsored by JetBlue. It got me thinking about the old days (I know, I sound old) when stadiums weren’t named for businesses or corporations. They had cool names, like “Yankee Stadium” or “Soldier Field” or “Fenway Park”. I guess I don’t mind these stadiums being renamed, but here are a few companies and products that I just cannot stand to have a stadium named for. We, as Americans, must draw a line in the sand against such things, like:

• Ex-Lax. Now, I know what you’re saying. "Ed, when I get done eating the food at a ball stadium, I normally get stopped up. What would be wrong with having Ex-Lax sponsor a stadium?" Easy…Just imagine if Fenway Park became Ex-Lax park, and the Big Green wall became the Big Brown Barricade. I rest my case.
  


• Depends Undergarments. I am on the fence about this one. I am not sure whether or not I would support this as the name of the field, I guess it just…
  


• Trojan Condoms. I do not, repeat, DO NOT want to go to a ball game and hear the “TROJAN MAN” jingle 1000 times. I would get really annoying.
  


• Ty-D-Bol toilet bowl cleaner. Why not? I do not want to attend the Superbowl at the Ty-D-Bol.
  


• Uncle Jemima’s Mash Liquor. Ok, I got that from Saturday Night Live, but you gotta admit it’s funny.
  


• Always feminine hygiene pads. I am not against feminine hygiene pads or feminine hygiene, for that matter. But, football is a VIOLENT sport. And, let’s face it, the main audience is men. Just imagine a group of guys talking about their plans for the fall.
  
  Guy #1: I can’t wait for opening day!
  Guy #2: I KNOW! I heard the new “Always Maxi Pad Field” is amazing. Did you know it holds more people than ever before? They did a side by side comparison to a similar field.
  Guy #1: It also has a dome, so you know we’ll stay nice and dry.
  
  

That’s all I can come up with without talking about tampons and toilet paper. What product would you not want your favorite sports stadium named after?

My Jesus-colored glasses

Yesterday, I attended my grandfather’s funeral. He was 76 years old and had a short but intense battle with cancer. At the service, I shared some of my memories and experiences with him. It was he, after all, who helped shape me spiritually. As I looked at my family, I made a stark realization.
In church, we talk often about looking at the world through the filter of Jesus. What would Jesus Do? But, how do we, as God’s children, look at Jesus? What filter do we use?
To put it in context, consider a little girl in an impoverished area of Africa. She is 8 years old and has known only suffering her entire life. Both parents have died from AIDS or famine and it is only her and her 3 year old brother left to fend for themselves. Why this particular situation?
Pat Robertson of “The 700 Club” was posed this question: Would the above mentioned girl get into Heaven if she died even if she had never accepted Jesus as her personal saviour? His answer was disturbing. No. She would have to realize that Jesus is her saviour and God is her creator and be thankful for her lot in life.
Now, I am paraphrasing his response, but what exactly should she be thankful for? Should she be thankful she was born into extreme poverty? Perhaps she should be thankful for losing her parents so young…This is the same man that said the Haitian earthquake a few years ago was the result of a deal with the devil the Haitians made a couple of hundred years ago…I’m not making that up!
Our mission as Christians is to spread God’s word and exemplify love throughout the world. In his statements, Pat Robertson did neither. In one moment, he managed add to the growing number of unbelievers in America.
This is NOT Jesus. This is NOT God. I can not and do not believe that He who spoke the universe into being would tie up the grace and mercy Jesus died to give us in some ridiculous legalism. Isn’t that one of the things Jesus tried to change?
This is what I mean when I talk about the filter we use to look at Jesus. What are our life experiences, and how do they affect our relationship with God?
Coming back to the funeral, I listened to the minister speak of my Grandfather’s love for Jesus and how he was a student of the Bible. It’s a common funeral theme, really. I have been to many funerals where the minister speaks about how the deceased loved Jesus and he was at rest with the Son of God. I know of one funeral I attended where I knew, that was not the case.
In the coming weeks, I want to explore and discuss this idea of a particular life situation affecting and even controlling our relationship with God. I hope you join me, as this is a far cry from many of my previous posts. But, it is on my heart, and I would love to hear what you have to say, agreeing or disagreeing.

Grandpa Holstein

This is a picture of my Grandfather, Edwin J. Holstein, Sr. He went to be with Jesus early this morning after a long and painful battle with cancer. But, I will not remember this. I refuse to.
What I will remember are my memories with him.

1. I remember his love for hats. The bigger the better. No joke, he owned a took that was easily bigger than his head.
2. I remember he was an avid chess player and I often found myself "playing" him in chess. I use the term playing loosely because as someone who played him often, I am fairly certain he was cheating.
3. I remember that, once, he cut his knee open. Instead of going to the doctor, he simply found a needle and thread and sewed it up himself.
4. I remember his love for genealogy, especially as it concerned the Chippewa half of the Holstein family.
   
5. Everyone who knew him knew how he felt about them. He was not one to be coy or subtle. Sometimes he was brutally honest. But, I think it stemmed from his love for his family.
   
6. I remember his love of the family get-togethers we used to have, especially the hotel parties.
   
7. I remember his passion for Jesus and the Bible. He loved to share the story of his redemption and, ultimately, his salvation. But, he was also very honest about his past. In retrospect, it took a lot of courage on his part.
8. I remember mowing his lawn on Healy St. in Romeoville, Illinois. He would pay me five dollars, a fortune at the time.
   
9. I remember the greatest scam possibly in the history of scams! I was eleven years old, and he was bound and determined to lead me down a path with Jesus. But, with my family living in Indiana and his living in Illinois, the only time we could get together was when we visited. So, in the midst of all the chaos that comes with big family get togethers, he would take me to pizza hut. We would sit and talk about the Bible while we ate, and afterwords, he would give me five bucks. He loved to talk about the Bible, and I loved pizza, it was a win win. So whenever I would visit, I would start a conversation about Revelations, and we were off to Pizza Hut. It was because of him I chose to be baptized at thirteen. Fast forward 25 years: I have seven kids and a beautiful wife. We love our church and our family motto is Joshua 24:15 :

"And if it seems evil to you to serve the Lord, choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve, whether the gods which your fathers served on the other side of the River, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land you dwell; but as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord."

As I look back, I realize...Grandpa was a scam artist alright.

I am going to miss him. But, I take comfort in the fact that he is with Jesus now. And, I have a message for him:

Good bye, Grandpa. I love you and I can't wait to see you again. I'll bring the chessboard.

Random thoughts:

?!?

Penis Lifting Contest. I don't care who you are, those three words will grab your attention every times you glance over them. Such was the case as I perused the internet today.

The object is to use that part of your body and see just how much you can lift. Apprently there is a guy in the Phillippines that can lift a cinder block.

My question for you, my dear reader, is this: What are the circumstances in one's life where

1. He discovers this "talent"




2. He decides to practice this talent...daily




3. He decides to make this his life goal?

Am I wrong here? This ranks up there with the guy who decided to get a full body tattoo so he would like a zombie. Dude! What is that going to look like when you turn 80?

Toilets and Stuff

A few years ago, I was at work. I called home on my lunch to have my wife tell me that the toilet was plugged up. 'No bigs' I said. I will fix it when I get home. I got home that evening and, like a man, pulled up my pants, grabbed the toilet plunger, and prepared for battle.
I opened the lid to the toilet and looked in....Oh yeah, it was plugged. I jammed my weapon into mouth of evil and began to fight the battle of the bowl. It wasn't pretty. I shed all of the big three: blood, sweat, and tears. I eventually pulled the toilet off of its place on the floor and took the fight outside. Armed with a garden hose and gumption, I was determined to defeat this Evil. It was a messy and unpleasant job and I had to shower twice, but I won!
I thought about this today as I was thinking about something Pastor Sam said on our Christmas Eve service. "God is not afraid to step into your mess!"
I know how I felt coming home that night. I was not looking forward to putting my hands into that toilet. Part of me was afraid that I either couldn't do it or that I would break the toilet. But, I HAD to do it!
That's not God! Not only is He NOT afraid, He WANTS to step into our mess. He loves it, because, often times, it is when we are buried in our own mess that we come to Him more!
I don't regularly write serious (OK, semi-serious) posts, but I really felt the need to write this one.

Conversations with my Cat

Today at lunch I had teh priviledge to talk to my daughter, Melody. I am not sure what happened, but at some point during the conversation, I realized I was talking to the cat.
Melody, in her genius, was able to translate the complicated hieroglyphs and nuances that are the cat language. For an outsider looking in, this is what the conversation sounded like:
Me: So Melody, are you watching Nora? (name changed to prevent copyright infringement)
Melody: Butterscotch wants to hi
Me: OK
silence
Butterscotch: (doing a perfect imitation of Melody) meow
I had no idea what this cat was trying to say to me. But clearly, Butterscotch had something to say. So, I used the google language translator, and here, now, is the translated conversation:
Me: So Melody, are you watching Nora? (name changed to prevent copyright infringement)
Melody: Butterscotch wants to hi
Me: OK
silence
Butterscotch: (translated) I think Newt Gingrich needs to lay off the Twinkies and Mitt Romney is a handsome man. However, my vote, now and forever, will be for Beverly, the crazy cat lady that lives down the street from us. She will put Americans back to work in the kitty litter factories and force fat cat CEO's to spread the money around. She will restore the worlds opinion of the USA through our international work with UNICAT. And, finally, she will make sure there is a bird on every tree and a fish in every pot in every home in America.
I was blown away. I couldn't believe it! My cat is a socialist! All this time I thought Butterscotch was just an annoying kitten who attacked my feet and lived to cause my older cat, Tiger, to hate youth. I had no idea he was a community organizer.
This is why I hate cats! They don't listen to facts, they just listen to what the "drive-by media" has to say and take it as gospel truth! I think we all know where he gets this crap from...my wife!
All of this fits nicely into the animal conspiracy. You know, the notion that animals are secretly plotting to overtake human kind.
Don't believe me? Let me ask you this...Who cleans up whose poop? I rest my case...

I am not sassy.

My wife likes to play Facebook games. She loved Farmville. She loved the pet shop. Lord knows how many countless games she has and is playing. Currently, she is stuck on Castleville. But, I feel like I am living a lie. I have to confess something, come hell or high water. Here goes: My wife has signed me up for Castleville and plays under my name so she can boost herself.

There I said it! I feel better. I wouldn't have had to expose the ugly truth, but I came across something yesterday that startled me. As I was looking though my new Facebook Timeline feature, I noticed I had updates for Castleville. And one of the updates said,"Congratulations on becoming a sassy serf."

Sassy. It totally said sassy. Let's review why this is bugging me.

First off, I'm a dude. Dudes are not sassy...its man law #54.

Secondly, Serfs existed in medieval times, and they were the lowest of the low. If you have seen "The Holy Grail", the serfs are the people who are farming mud and filth. And I am pretty certain they were not sassy. They were poor, they were filthy and one of them was politically obnoxious. But, they were not sassy

And finally, my wife is causing me to be tagged to the entire world as sassy! Anyone who looks at my Facebook now is going to think that I am relation to the maid from the Jeffersons. Now SHE was sassy!

Now, before you judge my wife, consider this one point. How many of you have Facebook friends that are animals? I am personally friends with 4 cats. Either the felines are the first wave in the animal conspiracy that threatens humanity, or someone is being less than honest about their kitty!

So, please, don't judge me, and don't judge my wife. And, if you get a friend request from Rainbow Meow, accept it! My wife needs as many sassy serfs as she can get!

A confession

Dear Melissa Holstein,

First and foremost, I love you! You are amazing. Knowing you is an honor in itself, but I get to be married to you. I love the way you love all of us (me and the kids). You always put us ahead of yourself.

You haven't had an easy road, especially being married to a poor schmo like me, but you have never let it stop you.

I want you to think of something you can't do. See anything? Nothing comes to my mind, because there is nothing you cannot do.

Thank you for being married to me, for walking this path with me. Thank you for finding the joy in a relationship with Jesus again.

And, thank you for loving me with everything you have and never holding back.

I love you!

Eddie

PS I forgot to take out the trash

Some Helpful Hints and suggestions

Here are some general life rules and observations everyone needs to know...Unfortunately, I had to learn these the hard way:

1. When buying broccoli, this is the desired order...fresh, frozen florets, deep fried. Never buy a bag of frozen broccoli that just says "broccoli"...You wind up getting all of the junk that the floret buying consumers don't have to deal with.


2. No matter how much you work on it, no matter how many hours you spend on it, the castle you are building on "Castleville" will never, ever be up to date on the various building code regulations in your state. That's because it isn't real.


3. Along the same lines, gold coins and poker chips on Facebook are less real than Michael Jackson's nose (too soon?)


4. I think that Lana Del Rey would have gotten more positive press had she auditioned for American Idol. At least they would have asked her to come back at the end of the season. Incidentally, I think Ashlee Simpson can finally breath a sigh of relief.


5. You can always trust a person who talks to themselves. Conversely, never trust a person who is talking to an invisible man named Steve. You just can't trust Steve.


6. Valentine's day is more important to your wife than your anniversary. Also, no matter what you read on Wikipedia, it is not a made up holiday.


7. Country music makes you old.


8. Miller Lite is lying to you. Their beer may be less filling, but nobody drinks beer because it tastes great.


9. There are some really crazy people in Florida...just an observation...Same goes for the northwest.


10. I have a cat named Tiger. Not because he is fierce like a tiger. Not because he strong or agile like a tiger. In fact, I do not know why he is named Tiger. we should probably change his name to something that is more accurate, like hippo, blue whale, or Homer Simpson.

Or is it?

I have a theory. It involves philosophy. I think you can win any philosophical argument simply by saying three words. "Or is it?" Let me give you an example.

Philosopher # 1: Our world, our reality, is not real. We are all just part of someone else's dream.

Me: Or are we?

See what I did there? I turned that argument on its ear. Take that, Descartes! Not convinced? Let's try another!

Philosopher # 2: Virtue denotes a certain perfection of a power.

Me: Or does it?
St Thomas Aquinas, you've been served! Still not convinced?

Philosopher # 3: I think, therefore I am. Or in the Latin, "Cogito ergo sum"

Me: Or are you...or in the Latin...or are ye?

Descartes, you never give up! Get a job, Hippie!

"What do i do with this new found knowledge?" You can figure it out! I trust you!

Or do I?

It Ain't Perfect...

My faith is important to me. It's important because my faith is who I am. I am a Christ-Disciple. Now, am I a picture perfect Christian? No.
Occasionally I swear. Also, I lie about the frequency of events. On top of which, I love french fries...not the crispy good for your soul fries. I love the soft and greasy served in the cafeteria of hell french fries.
Also, I do not read my Bible nearly as much as i should. Sure I try to do my devotionals and I pray almost every day on my way to work, but i could do more.
I should also add that I love naps. And cheesecake. And, God forbid...Coca Cola. So, yeah, I am not a perfect Christian. But, here's what's cool...I haven't met a perfect Christian yet!
In fact, throughout history, there has been only one...and He started the whole thing! In fact, we named the Christian movement after Him! Plus, we capitalize His name and His pronouns every time we type Them.
I'm OK with that. I'm OK with the only perfect Christian being Christ Himself. I strive to be more and more like him every day. I'm just glad he gave me a little wiggle room.

Another list...

My fellow Congregant Tim Boucher has a blog. You can find it here. Today's blog was random stuff. In that vein, I have decided to make my own list of random stuff. Here goes:

• My daughters have the greatest smiles. I love seeing them smile.



• My son, Tobey, has an awesome smile. He can light up a room.



• My other son, Edwin, has two smiles: one for when he's happy, the other is for when he thinks of something evil. guess which one he makes more.



• Just watched a movie called "Paul". It is a GREAT movie, written by the same guys who wrote "Shaun of the Dead" and "Hot Fuzz" Not for Kids! But a great movie anyways!



• Christopher Walken would make a lousy therapist. But, incidentally, he would be an amazing hair stylist.



• I love cheese. No back story or anecdote...I love cheese



• I challenge you not to sing along with Twisted Sister's "I wanna Rock!". Go ahead and try it...I'll wait...Now, what do you want to do with your life?



• And while we're on the subject...How many cans of hairspray do you think they went through just for that video?



• Who invented/discovered escargot and caviar? Better yet, who decided that eating snails and fish eggs was a delicacy? I'll stick with my bacon and peanut butter grilled cheese sandwich, thank you



• What kind of person aspires to be a proctologist?



• If there were dinosaurs roaming around the Earth today, would they drive cars knowing that gas is made from the remains of their relatives?



• remember one thing...Little Ceasar's Pizza advertisements are based on the fact that they are hot and ready...delicious never enters into it.

Miss Olivia Grace

So, my wife blogged about our middle child. Miss Olivia Grace Holstein. You can find that blog here. Miss Olivia is by far, our most sensitive and emotional child. She is also the most faithful to her Christianity.

Her favorite book is the Bible. She loves the stories in it. She loves the fact that these stories are our history as a people.

I remember when I was a kid, I used to dream about what I wanted to be when I grew up. Now, I know who I most want to be like, and it's Miss Olivia.

She believes with her whole self. She loves with her whole heart.

So, Happy Birthday, Olivia Grace!!! You are turning into a beautiful young lady!

I thought the Hula ball was bad...

I saw this on a website recently. This guy was either a genius or a neurologist trying to drum up some new business. Incidentally, look at the :14 second mark. If a kid did that in the park nowadays, someone would have to call 911.

#HASHTAGS

If MacGyver was a writer, the hash tag (#) would have been his tool of choice. Nowhere in the English language does a punctuation mark fill so many uses. For example:

# for an accountant means a number…any number
# for a dieter means pounds
# for clarinet players means means the note is sharp
# for trombone players means it’s time to practice my sharp scales
# for drummers means…well nothing.
## for any musician means “the composer was high”
# For anyone born after 2000 means “I just said something clever, here’s how to find it”
# for anyone born before 1990 is the game board for Tic-Tac-Toe
# Also for those born before 1990, # meant a comic book character had recently been beat up or was Pig Pen from Peanuts

Don’t get me started on periods…