The Holiday Post

I love the holiday season. I love Thanksgiving. I love Hanukkah. I love Christmas and New Year's. I even love Festivus!

With that being said, there are some things I don't like.

• Egg nog. I like my eggs hard boiled or fried. Not in a nog, whatever that is.




• Dog poop. You would think that it being the holiday season, the dog would take a break or, at least, eat less fiber. On the contrary, I think my dog is eating Mexican every night.




• Solemn Christmas songs. I think they have their place in the season, however, if a radio station decides on a Christmas song only format, they should be required to play "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer" at least every other hour. I love my grandma, but the thought of her getting run over by a reindeer makes me laugh.




• "Baby it's cold outside". Don't get me wrong, when i first heard the Bing Crosby version, I loved the classical feel. But, listen to the words. He's a guy who doesn't know that no means no. He even goes so far as to try and slip her a mickey in her drink. Geesh!!!




• Keeping Christ in Christmas. I love Jesus. But, for heaven's sake, the people behind this movement are the same people who think holding hands in church is forbidden. Lighten up, it's the holidays for more than just you!




• People who write, or worse, type Xmas. Really? You are so lazy you can't put forth the extra 1 second to write the 5 letters? Christ is an easy word to type. If it wasn't, then why is it in the Bible so much?




• People who rant about stuff they don't like at Christmas time. Yeah, I see the irony.




• Gingerbread Houses. The "cookies" they use to make those could actually be used in the construction of a real house. And the only thing royal about royal icing is that it is a royal pain in the (censored) to work with!




• Toy companies. My kids don't pay attention to commercials one iota until November. Then, they want EVERY toy on EVERY commercial they see! True story: I didn't know until yesterday that there was Dora the Explorer Kitchen set. Which, apparently is the hot toy of the season.




• Smurfs...no particular reason...

With that being said, I do love Christmas, and I love to celebrate the birth of my personal saviour, Jesus Christ! If I don't get to tell you in person, Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, Happy Hanukkah, and may your feats of strength (Festivus) be many!

I'm Thankful...

In the spirit of the season, I would like to submit my list of things for which I am thankful this year.

· First and foremost, I am thankful for the bye week the Indianapolis Colts had this week. This is the first week we did not lose a game, and let’s face it, not winning is much better than losing.
· I am thankful that people dismissed Ben Franklin. I’ll explain. When creating the foundations for this country, many important matters were decided. The most important of these matters was, of course, deciding what the national bird would be. Now, let me explain a few things about Ben Franklin. Number one, he was a genius, but like most geniuses, he had a few quirks, one of them being his dislike of bathing. His belief was that a person would lose brain power through the application of soap and water. But, you can’t walk around filthy and smelling like manure, so Ben Franklin did what every other genius would do: He stripped naked and took an “air bath” on the roof of his home, which was in the middle of town. So, when Ben Franklin decided that the turkey should be the national bird, he was dismissed as legally insane and potently smelly. Thus, the national bird is The Bald Eagle. Why am I thankful for this? You can’t eat the national bird.
· I am thankful for the stupidity of pumpkins. Most pumpkins count themselves as lucky if they survive through Halloween. These are the pumpkins that get canned and made into pumpkin pie. Nobody likes to eat stuff that’s smart.
· I am thankful that we are not having sweet potatoes for Thanksgiving this year. BLECH!!!!
· I am thankful for the Lady Gaga Thanksgiving Day special on ABC this year.
· On a related note, I am thankful for the gift of sarcasm.
· I like the metaphorical doorway to the Christmas Season that is Thanksgiving. After Thanksgiving, we can all say that “Christmas just got real”.
· I am thankful that I am fat. That way, I can overeat on Thanksgiving, like I do every other day of the week.
· I am thankful for my wife. I love her, and I am almost certain she loves me.
· I am thankful for my seven kids. Thanks to you, I have to go to work, rather than staying home and watching cable, and who wants that?

· I am thankful for my church, Living Stones in South Bend. I have been to other churches, and all of them agree, I am insane. The voices and I thank you all.

· I am thankful to God. No jokes here, I am eternally in my Creator’s debt.

Happy Thanksgiving to you all!

*Warning...the following is a satire (cue halloween music)

Human beings are monsters. We are horrible, ravenous creatures who love to showcase our thirst for gore.

From the Roman coliseum to the UFC, we love violence. But more than our love of violence, We love to showcase our acts of depravity.

Case in point: Halloween.

If aliens ever visited the Earth, and the aliens happened to be, oh I don't know, pumpkin-heads, let's just pray they don't visit in October! Why?

First, we march out to the pumpkins homes, the pumpkin patch, and cut them from their life line, laughing and encouraging our children in this act of insanity! On occasion, we go to the local big box store where they sell pumpkin corpses and other dead plant life at wholesale prices.

Then, we take the defenseless orange gourds back to our homes where we display their lifeless bodies for all to see.

Pretty horrible, right? Surely, displaying your kill for the world to see would be enough. But NO! We keep it real!

We take them inside, where we laugh and tell our children to draw faces on them.

The poor apples, dead and floating in a tub of water and their own juice, can only watch in horror as they are drawn from the bucket by the mouths of those who would eat them.

After we have mocked the defenseless pumpkins by drawing faces on their carcasses, the real s#!t begins!

We stab them and cut a hole in the top of their heads. Then, we slowly scoop and rip out their guts, separating the seeds and the pulp. Then, we carve their faces, sometimes with an evil veneer, and sometimes a cute kitty cat. Either way, these pumpkins have lost their dignity.

Now, I know what you are saying. Surely, the macabre sideshow is over. No my friend.

Now, we set the pumpkins carved and empty body out on our porches for the world to see, as if to say,"LOOK AT MY KILL".

Finally, we light their heads on fire and allow them to rot, slowly until November 1, when we smash them and discard their noble remains into a trash bin.

I only hope the aliens are turkeys, because then...oh..wait...never mind.

Dear Reader,

Dear Wal-Mart,
I understand that times are tough. But, why the heck didn't you sell popcorn balls this year?
Love,
Ed

Dear Indianapolis Colts,
Curtis Painter is not a very good quarterback. I wasn't sure if you had noticed yet.
Angrily,
Ed

Dear Cubs,
I was only kidding when I said your team slogan should be "there's always next year"
Saddened,
Ed


Dear Gasoline Companies,
Your prices have more highs and lows than there are bisexual Nazi midgets on Jerry Springer.
What the heck?
Love,
Ed

Dear Golden delicious Apples,
No complaints here...You live up to your name!
Love,
Ed

Dear Grannie Smith Apples,
BLECH!!!!
With sour faced regards,
Ed

Dear Little Ceasers,
Give the guy holding your sign a raise...or at least a free pizza.
I am entertained,
Ed

Dear Panhandlers of the world,
Take some pride in your work, like the Little Ceasers signers.
I have no change,
Ed

Dear Oldies 94.3,
Thank you for NOT playing songs from the sixties and seventies that were horrible in their own time, much less today.
Rocking Out,
Ed

Dear 103.9 The Bear,
Your commercials and station identification spots are the only way I can tell you've changed songs...everything sounds the same.
Regards,
Ed

Dear White Castle,
Just put a freaking restaurant in my area already! I am craving some sliders!
Cravingly,
Ed

Dear Burger King,
I like the cokes...I like the fries...Can you work on the whopper?
Sincerely,
Ed

Dear Lindor chocolates,
Do you really employ a chocolate chef whose only job is to pull a whisk out of a bowl of melted chocolate? And why does he look like he's getting ready to propose...to the chocolate?
Sincerely Confused,
Ed

Dear Occupy Wall Street,
How exactly are you showering? Or have you stopped showering because, after all, deodorant is made by a corporation?
Smell you Later,
Ed

Dear Coca cola,
You are delicious
That is all
Ed

Dear Dr Pepper 10,
Finally, I am not stuck drinking my wife's lady drinks. THANKS!!!
Manly Regards,
Ed

Dear Pepsi,
Please stop trying,
Ed

Dear Living Stones Church,
You are AMAZING! Never forget that!
Love,
Ed

Dear Jesus,
Thank you...I have no words for your gift, except thank You.
Humbly and with love,
Ed

Dear Granger Community Church,
We happen to like fart jokes.
Love,
Living Stones Church

Thirty six is the new thirty five

So, I turn 36 years old this Friday. 36. It's amazing and a little cathartic. Basically because, in my family, 36 is pretty much the halfway point. However, you cannot turn thirty six years old, and not learn a thing or two. In that vein, here are a few lessons I have learned over the years.
--farts are funny...enough said
--kids will add more to your life than you will ever lose...with the exception of hair.
--I was born a dork, but my wife chose to marry me...
--in reference to the above statement, my wife has poor taste in men. She digs Christopher Walken...yes, the headless horseman in Sleepy Hollow.
--Jesus liked fart jokes...not a fact, just a theory of mine. (you try eating all that matzo and not be gassy!)
--Dr Pepper 10 is amazing
--My wife is always right...somehow...(I'm not sure if this is actually true, but my wife tells me it is, and I know better than to argue with her.)
--Friends are priceless...mainly because I cannot afford to buy any.

What lessons did you learn this year?

When the cat's away...

This weekend, I had the opportunity to display my skills and patience as a father. My wife, out of town for a conference, was gone from Friday night till Sunday night. I learned a few things this weekend which, for the benefit of all Man-kind, I will now share.
--Making Chicken noodle soup, from scratch, is indeed manly, provided you are doing it for your kids. Doing it alone jeopardizes your man card privileges.
--Dad will ALWAYS win a farting contest.
--Hearing the word "DAD" a thousand times is music to the ears, provided that your definition of music is a jackhammer on your spine.
--Orange pop is just as good as orange juice in the morning. (don't tell my wife)
--Arm pit farts provide hours of quality entertainment as well as a good educational base for the aspiring artist.
--My dog poops...a lot
--There is no limit to the celebration when your son pees in the toilet voluntarily.
--Having my wife gone for the weekend led me to make a brilliant observation...did you know most football games last longer than a half hour?
--You don't have to talk about your feelings. You can just grunt and your kids will understand you.
--You have to force the boy to wear underwear. I did not realize that this was such a struggle.
--No matter how many game tickets you buy at the fun fair, the kids will make a beeline straight to the FREE jungle gym.
--Feet should NOT smell like corn chips.
--Dogs love peanut butter.
--4 guys + beer + board games = video proof why I will never become president.

A good time was had by all!

Men for Dummies

Why do men enjoy farting? What's the "no talking" rule? Why don't men ask for directions? Why don't men discuss their feelings?? These are questions that have been around since man first stood up straight, passed gas, and walked, upright, into history. So now, I shall attempt to answer what historians and scholars agree are useless questions...be prepared to vomit, what you read her may upset you.
--Farting--Ladies, I can assure you that, if you and your boyfriend/husband read this blog together, he just laughed at the sight of the word "farting". I am giggling like a school girl right now, and I typed it. Men enjoy farting. In fact, there is a good chance that a man reading this is thinking about one of two things...
A.) He is thinking about an epic fart he was either responsible for or witnessed. who smelt it and who dealt it. The timbre and pitch. The smell (SBD versus the boomer).
B.) He is thinking,"could I fart right now?" (the answer is always yes). Farting is to men what freedom is to America. Enough said.
--The no talking rule. Now, there are some variations...The general gist is this...If a man is using the bathroom, do not talk to him. The only exception is if it is an emergency, i.e fire, tornado, sale on pork rinds. But NEVER make eye contact. This is especially true if the man is dropping a deuce (technical term). BTW, little known fact: The duel between Hamilton and Burr was not about an insult, but rather, Hamilton would not shot up while Burr was on the pot.
--Men never ask for directions. Now, this is not true. Men ask for directions all the time...from other men. Women are very visual when it comes to directions. And, more often than not, when receiving instructions from a gal, I will hear this line. "If you see a _____, then you've gone too far." Why not tell me what I will see when it's time to turn? Or, better yet, how about the name of the road?
Also, men like maps. I don't know a single guy without an atlas. It may be the encyclopedia Britannica, but damn it, there's a map of something in there.
--Finally...feelings. Contrary to popular belief, men have feelings. They are tired, hunger, thirst, and thank God football didn't get cancelled. We do talk about these feelings quite a bit.
"How are you, Frank?" "Hungry"
"What are you doing tonite, Larry?" "Watching the game...thank God football didn't get cancelled"
Well, I hope this answers some of your questions. Feel free to post more questions in the comments section, and I will try my best to answer them.
Don't you look at me!!!