Men for Dummies

Why do men enjoy farting? What's the "no talking" rule? Why don't men ask for directions? Why don't men discuss their feelings?? These are questions that have been around since man first stood up straight, passed gas, and walked, upright, into history. So now, I shall attempt to answer what historians and scholars agree are useless questions...be prepared to vomit, what you read her may upset you.
--Farting--Ladies, I can assure you that, if you and your boyfriend/husband read this blog together, he just laughed at the sight of the word "farting". I am giggling like a school girl right now, and I typed it. Men enjoy farting. In fact, there is a good chance that a man reading this is thinking about one of two things...
A.) He is thinking about an epic fart he was either responsible for or witnessed. who smelt it and who dealt it. The timbre and pitch. The smell (SBD versus the boomer).
B.) He is thinking,"could I fart right now?" (the answer is always yes). Farting is to men what freedom is to America. Enough said.
--The no talking rule. Now, there are some variations...The general gist is this...If a man is using the bathroom, do not talk to him. The only exception is if it is an emergency, i.e fire, tornado, sale on pork rinds. But NEVER make eye contact. This is especially true if the man is dropping a deuce (technical term). BTW, little known fact: The duel between Hamilton and Burr was not about an insult, but rather, Hamilton would not shot up while Burr was on the pot.
--Men never ask for directions. Now, this is not true. Men ask for directions all the time...from other men. Women are very visual when it comes to directions. And, more often than not, when receiving instructions from a gal, I will hear this line. "If you see a _____, then you've gone too far." Why not tell me what I will see when it's time to turn? Or, better yet, how about the name of the road?
Also, men like maps. I don't know a single guy without an atlas. It may be the encyclopedia Britannica, but damn it, there's a map of something in there.
--Finally...feelings. Contrary to popular belief, men have feelings. They are tired, hunger, thirst, and thank God football didn't get cancelled. We do talk about these feelings quite a bit.
"How are you, Frank?" "Hungry"
"What are you doing tonite, Larry?" "Watching the game...thank God football didn't get cancelled"
Well, I hope this answers some of your questions. Feel free to post more questions in the comments section, and I will try my best to answer them.
Don't you look at me!!!

and 5, 6, 7, 8!

I submit the following statement for your approval. Most of the worlds problems can be solved through the use of Jazz Hands. Think about it..."Mr. President, the Middle East is on the verge of a complete and total meltdown. What do we do?!"

*Jazz hands*

What do you mean I'm fired?"

*Jazz hands*

"You ran out of gas...AGAIN?"

*apologetic jazz hands*

So remember, then next time you get into a fight with a co-worker, or you just feel down in the dumps...*jazz hands*

--Disclaimer...the use of jazz hands by a double arm amputee or the owner of the worlds longest fingernails is highly discouraged.

BRAAAAIIINNNSSSS....

I recently was involved in a facebook discussion about zombies. Here are some interesting facts about zombies you may not know!
1.) Zombies love to eat brains. Sure they'll eat an arm or a leg, but for zombies, brains is a delicacy.
2.) Zombies vote republican. This fact cannot be explained as most zombies just grunt when asked poll questions.
3.) There is no purer love than zombie love.
4.) Vampires are zombie wannabes.
5.) Zombies have as much reverence for Michael Jackson's "Thriller" video as we do for "Schindler's List".
6.) If a zombie asks you to pull its finger, DON'T DO IT!
7.) Zombie's favorite ice cream? "Cherry Garcia"
8.) Rob Zombie is not actually a zombie...there is ongoing litigation on this matter...
9.) Chuck Norris would be the greatest zombie ever, except Chuck Norris is invincible
10.) Zombies love romantic walks.

Do you have any more zombie facts?

Thank you, William Wells

I try to be funny on my blog. I like to entertain and amuse people, and nothing pleases me more than laughter. But, now I have to get a little serious and possible introspective. Mainly because I have had some thoughts that I needed to get out in order to move on. So, at the risk of turning you off, here it goes:





Yesterday, we attended the funeral of my wife's cousin, William Wells. He died in a highly publicized motorcycle wreck a little more than a week ago. We were both shocked when we heard the news, but other than the initial surprise, there was not a lot more emotion than that. I liked him, but I hadn't seen him in over a decade. Melissa didn't seem to be too shook up either.


Funerals are weird things, though. They play tricks on your mind. No matter how many times I see the deceased up front in their coffin, I can swear I saw them breathe. My wife was not immune to the mind tricks, either. Because William, or Will, was only 32 years old and a single dad to 2 kids. As we sat through the service, it was brought up time and time again how he always had a smile on his face. He had worked with a lot of kids through various sports programs. He was the kind of guy that would give yo the shirt off of his back. From the various decorations and remembrances we saw, he was also a fan of Crown Royal. (Not joking, but it is OK to laugh)


Also, he and my wife were apparently close when they were kids, a fact my wife had forgotten till then. His father, a large man named Roc, was reduced to nothing more than tears and heartbreak. His mother was very strong through it all, but mainly because she had to be. My wife was OK until she went to see Roc. There is something very humbling about hugging a 350 pound man who just scoops you up into his arms and sobs. I was then that the reality of the situation hit us, my wife especially.

We sat down, with tears in our eyes, and reflected on the moment. Partway through the service, the entire congregation of mourners stood up and gave this young man a standing ovation, complete with whistles and shouts. This man was loved, admired, and respected. As a human, one can't help but wonder, am I living my life in a manner that would cause the mourners at my funeral to clap? And I don't mean because I died, but because of the way I had lived.

I guess what this all comes down to is our paradigm shift. Because of events and circumstances in our life, we have lived a life of fear and, truthfully, regret. There are so many things we have NOT done in our life that we later regretted.

I am here to say, NO MORE! Melissa and I have vowed to live a life FREE of fear and regret. So, from the bottom of my heart, thank you William Wells. You taught me a very valuable lesson I will never forget.

Don't say I didn't warn you

No, I can't hear you now...

Recently, I switched cell phone providers. Up to this point, I was a prepaid cell phone kind of guy. But, since my company was paying for it, I made the switch. I never knew what a dropped call was until I switched. To say the least, I was disappointed. This got me thinking...there have been many things over the years that have not lived up to the hype. Here, now, is my short list:

1. Clear Pepsi. First off, why are you drinking Pepsi? Where are you in your life that you feel you have to lower yourself to Pepsi? Apparently the good folks at Pepsi agreed with me, and back in the nineties, they introduced clear Pepsi. My theory is that someone in the management suggested there be more transparency @ Pepsi...they were wrong

2. The Pinto. Let's forget about the gas tanks that blow up. Let's forget about the ugly body. Let's forget about the lack of a decent engine....why can't we forget the pinto?

3. Grunge. Now, let me preface this by saying, I like grunge music. But as far as fashion is concerned, the only worse thing than grunge was church bell-bottom jeans. I remember my cousin buying a fifty dollar pair of jeans (in the early nineties, fifty for a pair of jeans was insane, so i thought). She then proceeded to take them home and cut the legs up and down, fraying the cuts as she went. Couple the fashion with Petroli oil...yeah, I'll keep my Member's only jacket.

4. Member's only jackets. How can you put the phrase "Member's Only" on a piece of clothing if ANYONE can buy them? It seems a little fishy...

5. Y2K. Fun fact: The world did not end in the year 2000...or 2001...or 2011 When the Bible talks about the end of the world, I think they meant when Kim Kardashian came out with an album.

6. Teletubbies. No comment on this...I can't bear to give them any more attention than they have already received...BTW, the purple one is not gay, he's transgender

7. Waterworld. This movie made news at the time it was released because it cost over 200 million dollars to make. After its release, the production companies realized they spent $199,999,998 too much on it. At least with "Attack of the Killer Tomatoes", you knew it was going to be an awful movie...(fun fact: one of George Clooney's first roles was in the Killer Tomato franchise)

8. Music less than 10 years old. You have a problem when you listen to a song and wish you were listening to N'Sync instead. Especially since, at the time, I would have preferred to get a tattoo on my taint then listen to N'Sync.

9. Ghetto Jeans. You know, wearing your jeans down below your butt cheeks so you can show the world you are wearing clean (hopefully, but not always) underwear. Seriously, this fashion trend started to honor and ultimately glamorize prison life, because in Prison, you can't have belts and your pants always fall down. For real. Sadly, no joke here.

10. Shoes. Now, I am all for shoes. But when I was in high school, the bragging point about your shoes was how much you spent on them. If you spent less than a hundred dollars, you might as well go barefoot. I have not spent a hundred dollars on shoes this year, much less than on a single pair. For a hundred dollars, they at least need to have a video game in them.


What are some things that did not live up to the hype for you?

Dear Cable...

I really miss cable. We have not been able to get cable and will not until the first. That whole money thing...
This got me thinking: there are a lot of things I miss...and of course, things I don't. Here are some:

1. MISS: The first time I held my first daughter, Lena. She was tiny and had a cone shaped head.

1. DON'T MISS: Her first explosive diarrhea...Every baby has this. It's like a poop landmine that goes off in their diaper, effectively covering everything they touch in poo. As much as I DON'T miss this, she seemed to feel better at the time. Go figure

2. MISS: Summer Vacations when I was a kid. I would go outside @ 10 am and wouldn't return until that night. I was having adventures and bike riding. I was going to the library and just getting into all kinds of mischief...

2. DON'T MISS: Getting spanked because I left at 10am and didn't return till that night. That sucked.

3. MISS: The nineties. I liked the nineties. They were my decade. musically, they were excellent...Also, I went to college in the nineties. I met my wife and started a family in the nineties. The nineties!!!!!!

3. DON'T MISS: The Backstreet Boys. This "band" (note the quotes) started in Orlando in 1993. And for that reason alone, I hate the nineties.

4. MISS: Not working. I don't mean as an adult, but as a kid. I miss not having to work. Sure, I did work, and I made some money, and that was nice, but I miss not HAVING to work.

4. DON'T MISS: being broke because I didn't work. I know, it's a conundrum. But, Life is a circle...

finally..

5. MISS: Saturday morning cartoons circa 1985 or so...EVERY channel had cartoons. "Rock 'n Wrestling", 'Smurfs", "Snorks" (they were the underwater smurfs). I miss the Saturday before the new fall season of Saturday morning cartoons began...there was always that hour long show previewing the cartoons. I especially miss sitting in my underwear, eating a bowl of cereal, and camping in front of the TV. My wife frowns upon me doing that now...Maybe because I try to recreate my youthful Saturdays by wearing spiderman underwear...(It's not the same pair!!!!)

5. DON'T MISS: Saturday morning cartoons, circa NOW! Does every cartoon have to be about a. a card game, b. bad japanimation, and c. NOTHING?! Really! I have never wanted to shoot myself so much as when I watched Yu-Gi-OH! Or, even worse, DragonBall Z..or as my wife refers to it, Dragonballs. ( I still laugh at that) They are so bad, it doesn't even count as quality time with the family!

What do you miss? What don't you miss?