I thought the Hula ball was bad...

I saw this on a website recently. This guy was either a genius or a neurologist trying to drum up some new business. Incidentally, look at the :14 second mark. If a kid did that in the park nowadays, someone would have to call 911.

#HASHTAGS

If MacGyver was a writer, the hash tag (#) would have been his tool of choice. Nowhere in the English language does a punctuation mark fill so many uses. For example:

# for an accountant means a number…any number
# for a dieter means pounds
# for clarinet players means means the note is sharp
# for trombone players means it’s time to practice my sharp scales
# for drummers means…well nothing.
## for any musician means “the composer was high”
# For anyone born after 2000 means “I just said something clever, here’s how to find it”
# for anyone born before 1990 is the game board for Tic-Tac-Toe
# Also for those born before 1990, # meant a comic book character had recently been beat up or was Pig Pen from Peanuts

Don’t get me started on periods…

My New Year...

Everyone makes New Year's resolutions. I have decided that, this year, instead of making resolutions of things I am not going to do (that is what every new years resolution is), I am going to make a list of things I have always wanted to do..Some are still within my grasp...others, not so much.

1. Start a bar fight with a guy named Sweaty McGhee. Three reasons...for one, he's named sweaty for a reason...that's not his nickname, that's the name his parents gave him...secondly, He's Irish American...and third...Chicks dig scars, and I will almost certainly walk away with a few...


2. Take Bugs Bunny in for transgender counseling. The poor guy obviously has some issues..


3. Shave with a Bowie knife a la Crocodile Dundee...If you don't know who Crocodile Dundee is, then you are too young to know what shaving is, either...


4. Obtain a world's record with my bodily functions. I figure with farting, there would be a category for decibels, smell, timbre, and of course, for the elite farter...texture


5. Eat at Ruth Chris Steakhouse. I figure that this is the least likely to happen on this list, as I am unable to obtain a mortgage to pay for the meal...


6. Have the entire cast of Jersey Shore fight for their lives in Thunderdome. I would bring Andre the Giant back as a zombie to fight them, and ultimately eat their brains...


7. Compete in a horseshoe competition where the horseshoes are still attached to the horses...


8. Destroy the snorks...


9. Live in New York City, but leave before I get too hard...live in Northern California, but leave before I get too soft...wait, that's a line from the sunscreen song...


10. Arm wrestle a midget...I cannot explain why, I just feel the need to do so...


11. Fight with real light sabres...I think this one speaks for itself...


12. High-five Abraham Lincoln and together come up with a secret handshake...there would be chest bumping involved.


13. Punch Mahmoud Ahmadinejad in the face...


14. Eat my weight in chili...then, refer to number 4...


15. Get a haircut like Samuel L Jackson in Pulp Fiction...


16. Watch what I want on TV...with my wife...

More to come....

Precious Stones

This weekend, we have the honor and privilege of throwing a Christmas Party for families who have members with special needs. We call ourselves Precious Stones. It is an offshoot of our church, Living Stones.
My wife and I have seven kids, several of which have special needs. My two boys both have autism, and my youngest girl has an undiagnosed genetic condition. Also, did you read the first sentence of this paragraph? My wife and I have seven kids. WE ARE INSANE!
Anyway, back to Precious Stones. Special needs is a cause close to our hearts. And ministering to kids, we feel, is important.
I remember when I was a kid. I was taught by my grandfather to believe in God because God is to be feared. He was very fire and brimstone.
But, God is LOVE! And, Christmas is the celebration of that love. Looking at my kids now, I don't know that I could make the same sacrifice as my Father in Heaven. And, I want kids with special needs and their families to come to a Precious Stones event and walk away with one thing. GOD LOVES YOU!!!!!!
If even one kid walks away knowing that, then we have succeeded!

My favorite Christmas Song

The Holiday Post

I love the holiday season. I love Thanksgiving. I love Hanukkah. I love Christmas and New Year's. I even love Festivus!

With that being said, there are some things I don't like.

• Egg nog. I like my eggs hard boiled or fried. Not in a nog, whatever that is.




• Dog poop. You would think that it being the holiday season, the dog would take a break or, at least, eat less fiber. On the contrary, I think my dog is eating Mexican every night.




• Solemn Christmas songs. I think they have their place in the season, however, if a radio station decides on a Christmas song only format, they should be required to play "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer" at least every other hour. I love my grandma, but the thought of her getting run over by a reindeer makes me laugh.




• "Baby it's cold outside". Don't get me wrong, when i first heard the Bing Crosby version, I loved the classical feel. But, listen to the words. He's a guy who doesn't know that no means no. He even goes so far as to try and slip her a mickey in her drink. Geesh!!!




• Keeping Christ in Christmas. I love Jesus. But, for heaven's sake, the people behind this movement are the same people who think holding hands in church is forbidden. Lighten up, it's the holidays for more than just you!




• People who write, or worse, type Xmas. Really? You are so lazy you can't put forth the extra 1 second to write the 5 letters? Christ is an easy word to type. If it wasn't, then why is it in the Bible so much?




• People who rant about stuff they don't like at Christmas time. Yeah, I see the irony.




• Gingerbread Houses. The "cookies" they use to make those could actually be used in the construction of a real house. And the only thing royal about royal icing is that it is a royal pain in the (censored) to work with!




• Toy companies. My kids don't pay attention to commercials one iota until November. Then, they want EVERY toy on EVERY commercial they see! True story: I didn't know until yesterday that there was Dora the Explorer Kitchen set. Which, apparently is the hot toy of the season.




• Smurfs...no particular reason...

With that being said, I do love Christmas, and I love to celebrate the birth of my personal saviour, Jesus Christ! If I don't get to tell you in person, Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, Happy Hanukkah, and may your feats of strength (Festivus) be many!

I'm Thankful...

In the spirit of the season, I would like to submit my list of things for which I am thankful this year.

· First and foremost, I am thankful for the bye week the Indianapolis Colts had this week. This is the first week we did not lose a game, and let’s face it, not winning is much better than losing.
· I am thankful that people dismissed Ben Franklin. I’ll explain. When creating the foundations for this country, many important matters were decided. The most important of these matters was, of course, deciding what the national bird would be. Now, let me explain a few things about Ben Franklin. Number one, he was a genius, but like most geniuses, he had a few quirks, one of them being his dislike of bathing. His belief was that a person would lose brain power through the application of soap and water. But, you can’t walk around filthy and smelling like manure, so Ben Franklin did what every other genius would do: He stripped naked and took an “air bath” on the roof of his home, which was in the middle of town. So, when Ben Franklin decided that the turkey should be the national bird, he was dismissed as legally insane and potently smelly. Thus, the national bird is The Bald Eagle. Why am I thankful for this? You can’t eat the national bird.
· I am thankful for the stupidity of pumpkins. Most pumpkins count themselves as lucky if they survive through Halloween. These are the pumpkins that get canned and made into pumpkin pie. Nobody likes to eat stuff that’s smart.
· I am thankful that we are not having sweet potatoes for Thanksgiving this year. BLECH!!!!
· I am thankful for the Lady Gaga Thanksgiving Day special on ABC this year.
· On a related note, I am thankful for the gift of sarcasm.
· I like the metaphorical doorway to the Christmas Season that is Thanksgiving. After Thanksgiving, we can all say that “Christmas just got real”.
· I am thankful that I am fat. That way, I can overeat on Thanksgiving, like I do every other day of the week.
· I am thankful for my wife. I love her, and I am almost certain she loves me.
· I am thankful for my seven kids. Thanks to you, I have to go to work, rather than staying home and watching cable, and who wants that?

· I am thankful for my church, Living Stones in South Bend. I have been to other churches, and all of them agree, I am insane. The voices and I thank you all.

· I am thankful to God. No jokes here, I am eternally in my Creator’s debt.

Happy Thanksgiving to you all!