I smell pigskin

Top Ten signs you’re ready for football

10.) In the off season, you got every NFL teams’ logo tattooed on your back;
9.) You started tailgating…in March
8.) You set up stop motion cameras all around your house…just in case you needed to review a play, i.e. who took out the trash last.
7.) When your wife asked you to pass the milk, you threw it at her in a perfect spiral.
6.) When your wife dropped the aforementioned milk, you started arguing with her over how many feet were touching the ground.
5.) Using a magic marker, you permanently dyed your skin to your favorite club color
4.) You punt the trash to the curb every night.
3.) You installed astro turf into your backyard.
2.) You call your bathroom breaks during dinner “halftime”

And the number one sign you are ready for football season.

1.) Your wife called an end to the “lockout” in the bedroom.

Justin Bieber is a Loser

Now, I know that I may be sued for libel, but let me just start out by saying, this is ONLY my opinion. I do not know what kind of person Justin Bieber is.
He may be the greatest person ever. He might be one of those people that wins at everything. His eyes twinkle, his dimples, how merry. Everything he touches just might turn into gold.
Conversely, he might also be a big, fat jerk. He probably tips the waitress with his phone number, fake of course. He spits in peoples drinks before he hands it to them. He constantly leaves the toilet seat up. All of this is theoretical. I have no idea.
So, what's the point you might ask? He's too pretty! He needs a scar. Maybe an eye patch. He needs a face tattoo, or maybe a lip piercing.
He needs to get arrested for public urination. He needs to turn in his library books a minimum of 2 days late.
Come on, pretty boy...man up.

The Man Club

When you are a father to 5 girls and a husband, there are certain concessions you have to make. You know that you are going to have to sit through a ballet. you know that, at least once a year, you have to watch Steel Magnolias. And, you know, you have to pocket your Man Club Card.
Now, there is no physical card. Your membership is displayed every time you watch a football game or MMA match. You show your club spirit every time you have gas and brag about it. And, everyone knows you are a member when you have a hard-boiled egg eating contest.
That being said, marriage and fatherhood force those of us in the Man Club to be more secretive about it. In fact, there are some circles, mainly those consisting of happily married couples, where having gas is NOT something to brag about. Seriously.
I knew I was in trouble of hiding my Man Card the first time I painted my daughters toenails. Somewhere, Conan the Barbarian was laughing at me. Yes, living with women effectively makes you ashamed to be a man.
Don’t believe me? All you husbands out there, let me ask you this. When was the last time you used a shower gel with pomegranate or peaches? When was the last time you smelled like a fruit basket after you showered? Think about how many times you have to use a lady’s razor to shave. OK, I have to admit, my face felt PHENOMENAL after shaving with my wife’s ultra fancy lady hair removal tool. And, no, it’s not a razor, it’s a hair removal tool. *sigh*
Today, when I showered, I was reminded of my place in a female dominated household. It wasn’t until I stepped into the shower that I realized I was going to smell like a girl. I grabbed my shower tool (for you ladies, a shower poof…we have fancy terms, too.) and lathered that bad boy up with cherry pomegranate shower gel. Instantly, I became hungry. I realized almost immediately what a paradox there is between a card carrying member of the Man club and our wives. While both men and women like to use food scented things in our lives, the scents we use are different. Candles, shower gel, carpet sprinkles (carpet deodorizer…I know I said it, don’t judge me). All of these things can typically be scented like food, but by women. In a women's world, everything is flowers and fruit, cookies and creme.
If men’s stuff smelled like food, it wouldn’t be fruity or dessert themed. We would have bacon scented shower gel. BBQ carpet powder. Rib eye cologne. Buffalo chicken shoe inserts. Yes, all of our things would be meat themed.
Now, before I get the nasty PETA comments, let me say this. If you are a vegetarian, 1st…check yourself. Animals are delicious. 2nd…Use the ladies stuff, as it is all fruit themed. If you are some sort of weirdo who believes in plants rights...yeah, i don't know what to do for you.
So, in summation, let me just say that, although, men and women are, at the most basic level, different, we still have to live with each other. And, I love my girls, so I will gladly pocket my Man club card...just let me watch GSP first. (Only the Men get that...)

Unfinished?! What the *bleep*

I would just like to clarify, first and foremost, that I have never been a part of the United states armed Forces. Not now, not ever. I have the utmost respect for our servicemen and women across the globe. However, I enjoy food entirely too much to be in any kind of physical shape to serve in the armed forces.
That being said, I must make a public confession. I cuss like a sailor. I don't even know how much a sailor cusses or what kind of words a sailor uses. And, what if it's a deaf sailor? To my knowledge, there is only one cuss word in sign language, and it's universal.
I don't mean to cuss so much. I have tried like a son of a b...sorry, there I go again. I have tried really hard not to swear. I believe the longest I have gone is a week.
That's not to say I didn't use replacement swears.
"son of a gun!"
"What the F?!"
"Aw, vegetarian chili!"
What is it about human beings that we require the use of expletives in our daily lives?
I think it comes down to cavemen. There is only so much communication to be achieved by various grunts and snorts. After a while, you start sounding like a dumbed down version of the smurfs.
"What the smurf is going on here?!"
"Who smurf do you smurf you are?"
"Smurf my smurf, you smurfin smurf"
I think that what probably happened sounds an awful lot like this...
Caveman # 1...We'll call him Frank: *grunt grunt**snort*pft!* ( the pft represents frank having gas.)
Caveman # 2, we'll call her Ellen: *primal scream* --she pinches her nose *grunt grunt**scream* "that S#!T stinks!!!!

Or not....

Blogging...

I recently had a talk with my pastor and the subject of blogging came up. He hadn't blogged in a while and, truthfully, we were a little worried...mainly because when he takes a break, he has something going on in his life...when he took a break, we just wanted to make sure everything was OK...
His response? I just don't have anything to blog about.
I totally get this! I write skits for church...I am usually done writing a skit inside of 10 minutes...obviously there is some editing to be done, but the general outline is there.
Yet, when I sign on to this blog, I sometimes struggle to even type out a title!
The guys will side with me on this...blogging is a lot like peeing. For the most part, we don't think about it. We have to go pee, we go pee. But, If someone tells up to pee, now that's a little harder to do, if not impossible.
contrary to popular belief, peeing is not a performance art, but a hobby one practices alone.
OK, there...I've said it.

really?!

A few things have got me thinking...

Don't you think that, by now, Anthony Weiner could and would have, by now, changed at least the pronunciation of his last name? What about Winay...Weinare,,,VINER for Pete's sake?!

I am getting into baseball lately. However, I am a Cubs fan...this fact alone makes me a sado masochist...IT really hurts to watch a Cubs game, but I cannot...stop...watching...

Donuts...never in the history of mankind has something so good actually been so evil...So we are clear...I love donuts.

I would rather drink my own urine than drink another diet pop. especially if I drink the urine I make after drinking a coke.

The machines are slowly but surely taking over...keep an eye on that cell phone!!! I think my non electric can opener has been warning me all this time...

The nineties (1990's) really were the best time for music...and looking like a slob...

Father's day is just around the corner...I wonder why so many fathers celebrate by doing more chores, i.e. fixing stuff...

Nobody uses the word amazing enough anymore...maybe we are too jaded as a society...or illiterate...

More to come...

Random thoughts

At the time and date of this typing, it is extremely hot. 94 degrees, with a heat index nearing triple digits. With this kind of heat, I find myself daydreaming...or hallucinating. Either or, here we go...

Whenever I hear one of my kids say, "watch this" to each other, I immediately get the band aids.

In a recent poll, 9 out of 10 people said they would be too busy to take a poll. The tenth person is the guy who keeps asking me for change at the gas station...which leads me to ask, if you need the change for gas, where is your car?

Farts are funny...sharts...not so much.

Why would someone purposely name their boat, Titanic II? And does anyone find it surprising that it has already sank?

I didn't think the show "The Smurfs" was good enough to justify a live action/animated movie. Of course, I couldn't wait to see "Wonderdog" either.

I love using new terminology...the latest I heard was "crystal donk". Ask my wife...I'm not ashamed.

This just in...sharts are funny when they happen to someone else...at a distance.

More to come....