New Religion

I have decided to start a new religion that celebrates obscure holidays. For instance, today is National Napping Day. Happy Holidayzzzzzz!!!

Nobody tells you...

There are three rules every father must live by.

1. Keep my baby off the pole...this rule, instituted by Chris Rock, has and will hold true through the ages.
2. Mom is the smartest person in the whole world. She is ALWAYS right.
3. Never own a gun, or you will shoot the first boy who comes calling for your oldest daughter.

Now, don't misunderstand me. I want my daughter to get married and have babies. When she's in her forties. Right now, she is 14. I knew this day was coming. And maybe I am making too big a deal out of it.

But her boyfriend is going to, at the very minimum, have to be psychologically tortured. In fact, I never approved of water boarding, but we cannot let the terrorists win. And I am terrified.

Mr. Dad

I love being a father. I love my 7 kids. I love the 5 girls and 2 boys that share my genetic material with my wife.
I love playing games with them. I love doing the cha cha slide in the living room (every body clap your hands).
I love to watch them eat food I cooked for them. Sometimes, they don't even gag.
I love tickling little bellies and feet. I love giving the teenager a hug when she's had a bad day. I love spraying bullet proof spray on myself when the autistic 9 year old "shoots" me. I love the hugs the 6 year old can't get enough of.
I love the ladies (our nicknames for the 3 and 4 year olds). I love my 12 year old's insanity. I love the middle child's middleness and her quest to be first.
I love my wife...sometimes, I think, the best way to love your children is to love their mother.
However, there are some dislikes...
I dislike poopie diapers. And my wife is wrong, there is never a time when the poop is "cute".
I dislike sleepless nights, especially when one of the kids is sick, and all you want to do is to take their sickness upon yourself so that they can be well.
I dislike the stares...not because we have 2 autistic sons, but because we have 7 kids...this is especially prevalent in small towns.(they think we are Amish...if they saw our TV, they would know better)
But, most of all, I dislike being apart from them. My kids are, without a doubt, the seven most interesting, funny, honest, and insane people I know. How insane?
Sometime, ask Alison, "where is my super suit?"
sometime, ask Lena to tell you a joke.
Sometime, ask Edwin to show you the Mighty beanz on You tube.
sometime, ask Olivia to clean her room.
Sometime, ask Emily about her booty.
Sometime, ask Melody about Dora.
Sometime, ask Tobey to say "Icee Pop".

Man, I love my kids.

Wife #2

My 4-year-old daughter, Emily, is very much a daddy's girl. She would do anything to get my attention and make me happy. And, the feeling is mutual. I love all my kids...differently, but my love for them is infinite. Having said that, Emily, or as I call her, Emilita or the Lita, holds a very special place in my heart.
However, there are dangers in this. For one, Emily and I are now "married". She told me that she wanted to marry me. When I pointed out that I was already married to her mother, she agreed to become "wife number 2". There is also the emulation.
They say that imitation is the most sincere form of flattery. If that is indeed the case, then Emily has flattered me greatly.
Tonight, she informed Melissa that she had, quote,"dropped a deuce". She did not lie.
Even now as I sit here, I am speechless. Besides being the funniest thing I have ever heard, I am also presented with a conundrum. I believe in free speech, but just how free is the question...more on this to come.

Top ten part 1

Melissa and I have been together for over 15 years! On one hand, it seems like only yesterday I was down on my knee with tears (of joy) in my eyes asking for her hand in marriage.
On the other hand, it feels like it has been forever ago since that fateful day. It is in this vein I present for your perusal the top ten things I have learned about marriage.

10.) Farting. When you first get together, God forbid your better half hear you burp, much less drop an air bomb. Now, farting has replaced the customary "good morning". However, hot boxing is still illegal.

9.) Spaghetti. In the beginning of a relationship, eating is a very intimate and romantic thing...except for spaghetti. Very few people can eat spaghetti and NOT look like an out of control slob...pasta hanging out of your mouth while you slurp the noodles up, sauce covering your chin and shirt...disgusting!

8.) Car rides...car rides are a great way to get to know each other...but if you already know each other, it is the worst place to get into a fight...let's face it, where are you going to go at 60 mph? In fact, I think my wife lays into me more just to get me to jump out of a moving vehicle.

7.) Facebook...No really, facebook. All I am saying is, I have more virtual friends...just saying...

6.) Cooking. My wife Still loves it when I cook. She just hates eating it.

5.) T.V. Here is the thing...I am a guy. I like bikinis and violence. It is my nature, my MALE nature. 99% of men agree with me...I do NOT understand how you can just watch QVC...or Lifetime...or Oprah...however, I do receive Oprah's spirit letter via email...

4.) Sympathy. If I was to chop my hand off, walk into the living room with blood spraying everywhere and my bony, gruesome stump poking out of my shirt sleeve, she would ask if the trash was out yet...there is NO sympathy!

3.) Laughing. When we first got together, we would laugh at the same things. Now, she just laughs at me...oddly enough, only when I am naked...hhhmmm...

2.) In-laws...When we first got together, Melissa's Dad, Leon, HATED me. I think if he could have gotten away with it, he would have buried me in an unmarked grave...Now, we talk about football on Sundays. She is still working on the in law issues...

1.) The greatest thing I have learned about marriage is this. She is always right. IF she were to wake up and tell me that the sky was filled with soup, I would have to get a bowl. Not because the sky is filled with soup, but because she is ALWAYS right. I never realized how wrong I was until I married my wife...

In truth, Our marriage has been the greatest adventure and story I have ever been a part of. I kid, because I love. Love you, Melissa

With great power...

"I a Superhero!!!!" I have listened to these cries of triumph from my 3 year old since last Sunday. She decided she wanted to be a Superhero for Halloween. We bought a supergirl costume, and she has been smitten with it ever since. Good thing it is of high quality, as it will probably be worn until she rips it out.

Watching her "fly" around the house and pose in her supergirl stance makes me think of how truly lucky I am. I am so privileged to not only live with these really awesome little people, but I have been assigned as their caretaker.

Every time I wash their feet or dress them, every meal I make for them or when I buckle them into their car seats, I have to mentally pinch myself. Am I really this lucky?

I wear many hats...worker, supervisor, husband, son...but the best hat I wear is that of father.

Dear Lena, Alison, Edwin, Olivia, Tobey, Emily, and SuperMelody...Thank you...I love you.

It's beginning to look a lot like...

Ahhh!!! We love this time of year. Is there any time better than mid-October through mid-January? Halloween, day after Halloween, Thanksgiving, Black Friday, Hanukkah, Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, New Year's Eve, New Year's Day, and of course, Festivus!

There is something magical about the end of the year. In our part of the world, we get to watch as the world slowly nods off and falls into a deep slumber. The colors are brilliant, the air fills every part of you with excitement and nostalgia for year past when you were a kid.

I remember trick-or-treating as a kid in Illinois, and we got apples and pennies, sometimes homemade cookies. I also remember having a Halloween birthday party as my birthday was so close to Halloween.

But, above else, I love the closeness I feel with my family during this time of year. We are all hunkering down for the winter, harvesting if you will, and things about one another that we never knew before. For instance, Alison is apparently boy crazy. My little Ali Rose, 12 years old on Friday, and she says she has a boyfriend. She has also kissed him. Am I ready for the talk? No, but it is time.

Well, it is my birthday tomorrow, the 21st. I will be 35. Funny, but when I was 15, I never thought I would make to 35, now I can't wait until I make to 65 with Melissa. And of course, the monkey, Tobey Jude. 35 years is a long time. They say that when an object makes it 25 years, it becomes an antique. *sigh* Antiques roadshow, here I come. Unfortunately, I will be in one of those scenes where the antique is not worth as much as the owner thinks it is...Happy fall, Y'all!